Hey y'all! Hello from northern Minnesota, we are enjoying a family vacation in the Northwoods of Minnesota and I must say not knowing what day it is and having the only decision I truly make is which book to read next has been fantastic!
Just wanted to send a quick (or not so quick) update on the blog about the adoption. If you follow my updates, you know that in order to get my 2 boys I have to get a 3rd boy because they are telling me I have to be married. I found this out right after I returned to Nicaragua and I was frustrated and feeling down. Most people my age are married and having kids of their own, so I began to question why I'm not. Please don't answer that question :-)
Anyways, I had begun to accept that, but then realized I couldn't. I got information for yet ANOTHER lawyer (bonus: she speaks English) and wrote her an e-mail to ask her about the newest rules in Nicaragua. She confirmed that you had to be married in order to adopt from Nicaragua so I asked her to keep me posted if/when that rule ever changes. She told me that she would do that and I thought it was over. Well, I just could not let it go. I waited a few weeks, and wrote to her 2 weeks ago just to confirm what she had told me and asked if they ever make exceptions to the rule. She wrote back and said that they sometime do. I was THRILLED but very skeptically optimistic. She asked me to write her the story of how I met the boys and asked her to consider making an excpetion due to their age. She wanted to be VERY clear that this was not a yes, but she agreed to "present my case" at her next meeting with Mi Familia (like DHS in the states.)
So, where does this leave things?? Well, it's clear as mud as to when this is all going to take place, but this serves as a plead with you all to pray! A few friends and I are entering a 40 day fast on August 8 and I am hoping that this will bring me closer to the God who holds this all in His hands and gives me the favor and direction I need to move forward.
Here are a few ways you can pray specifically:
1. God's will to ultimately prevail and for me to be able to accept that in ALL things.
2. Obviously, that the boys can come home and be with me. I am fully confident that if that happens, all other things that we need will be provided for us.
3. Patience, provision, and a stenghtining of my faith to pull me through this all.
I am TRULY humbled and grateful for all the prayers and well wishes that I get from people that I don't expect to get them from. Seriously, you guys are the best. I can't even begin to tell you how I see God's hand in all of this through all of you.
I will keep you all posted, but in the mean time....your prayers are coveted and appreciated! I thank you for riding this roller coaster with me for these past 5 years!!!
I leave with a verse that has been showing itself in the past few weeks especially that I have grown to love!
"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3
Sunday, July 31, 2016
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Processing...
Well, I have been home for almost 2 weeks and when people ask me about my trip, I still get tears and am not sure how to answer them. How can I put in to words what I felt like to be back in Nicaragua, and even more see my little loves again? So, all I can do is try...
My trip ended up being delayed by one day because of bad weather in Houston. So, while I was bummed I am glad that I didn't find out when I showed up at the airport at 4 am! I flew in on a Saturday and was instantly sweating...it is SO hot there in May! I stayed with Emily and Laura and it just didn't feel like it had been 2 years. I can never describe to people the bond that you have when you live with someone in a foreign country and I still can't. It was just great, love those girls!
On Sunday we went to church and to the beach. The awe of that never gets old to me...laying in a hammock, reading a book and listening to the crash of the waves is simply amazing.
On Monday I was able to spend some time at NCA and saw my kiddos who are now in 6th grade. It's crazy to me to think that they were only in 1st grade when I met them. They are all so big and smart and just doing so well. I saw a lot of familiar faces and got lots of sweaty but sweet hugs. It felt good.
On Tuesday I met my friend Tim who runs a scholarship program based on a grant that he got through a world known organization ( and I can't remember the name of it!). I am blessed to be able to sponser Jose Angel. He is in elementary school in a private school in his neighborhood near Managua. Tim has asked if I wanted to meet him and I must admit I was a bit nervous to go, mainly because of the language barrier. But he took me to his house, and he wasn't there. His father's girlfriend told Tim that he has been wanting to be in the streets and has not been attending school. I should back up the bus a bit. About 2 months ago, I got a message from Tim that Jose Angel was sick and they initially thought he had gotten a virus from a bug bite but since it was not getting better they checked him for leukemia. Well, long story short they have ruled that out as well but he is not anemic. Anyways, he has not been in school since then and has wanted to be on the streets. We told her we would be back to check if he was back. I went to the schools to see them, visited a few more scholarship kids and went back to Jose Angel's house. He was there and so I was able to meet with him. We were not able to communicate but his father said that he is not making good choices and we just shared that we want what is best for him and that Tim and I will support him in whatever way we can. After seeing the house, my heart broke. We went straight to the grocery store and bought a heaping cart full of food for him and his family. It baffles me how every time I am there, I am struck by the sad reality of the reality of the lack of resources these people suffer with daily. It was absolutely nothing for me to go buy them a cart full of food, but their gratitude and joy will never be forgotten by me. We had a few more adventures that day, but I went home with a full heart. It was refreshing to see someone SO passionate about the work they are doing. I was amazed at what I saw and so grateful to play a small role in it.
Wednesday was the big day. I got on a little tiny plane with Tim and flew to Puerto Cabezas to see my boys. I was SO nervous on that little plane (sorry again Tim for the death grip I had on you) and when it landed, I cried. I was so relieved, but I believe more than that the reality that I got to hugs my littles became a reality. It was really happening! My friend Camille met us at the airport and we went to the orphanage. I was shaking and didn't stop talking. I didn't really know what to expect. I saw Leo first, and he was very shy and hid behind Camille. He looking at me like he knew me, but he wasn't quite sure what to do. Then I saw Frankie from a distance and had to control my urge to just go grab him. He was in his room and wouldn't come out, but once he did, the reunion was so sweet. He hugged and talked for a bit and I just couldn't get enough of them. They got comfortable real fast and so did I. They showed me around and we talked and they played on my phone and mostly looked at my pictures. We hung out for a bit and then they had to do tutoring and rest time, so we went to the beach. It was fun but I was anxious to get back. We went back and I brought them some cars and other little toys and just talked and hung out. I asked Frankie if he liked it there. He looked right at me and said "No, I want to go with you. Please, take me to your house." Well, in true Angie fashion I started bawling and told him that I would try. They ate dinner and then we had to leave. The next morning I was up at 4:30 because I was so excited to see them again. I just had a few minutes with them before they went to school. I hugged them, told them I loved them, dripping tears and snot on them and left. They both asked if I could come back, and of course I promised that I would. And then I was left to process it. I'm still there, still not sure how to process it all. Bottom line, I am so grateful to have had the chance. I'm beyond aware of how God timed it and orchestrated the whole trip. I'm forever grateful for Tim who made the trip with me. And to Camille, who planned and organized this all as well as traveled several hours by boat to make this possible. My heart was full. Tim, I don't know if you will read this (probably not) but I can never repay you for your role in this. You saw me and my best and you saw me at my worst. That is no easy task! So, THANK YOU!!!
When we got back to Managua, I was just sad. I had to say good bye to my boys and my heart was broken. I also knew the good byes with every one else had to start and it's hard. Love to go see people but my heart rips out of my chest when I have to leave again.
So, what's the next step? I don't know, I still will try whatever I can to bring Frankie and Leo home with me if it's possible. I have connections to a lawyer but need a husband before I can adopt. They recently changed the law that single people can not adopt. But I refuse to give up, and I know that if this is going to happen it will and God will provide ALL things needed (including a husband if that is the case).
So, how was my trip? Loaded question, and I still don't know how to answer. My heart aches to return and if they told me I had to move there to get the boys I would invite you all to my going away party :-) Please pray for me, for the boys, for clarity, and for all things to be what they will be. I pray that this is just another step in the journey with my loves. Only time will tell...
Thank you ALL for still reading, it means so much that people still care and still ask. Makes me feel loved <3
My trip ended up being delayed by one day because of bad weather in Houston. So, while I was bummed I am glad that I didn't find out when I showed up at the airport at 4 am! I flew in on a Saturday and was instantly sweating...it is SO hot there in May! I stayed with Emily and Laura and it just didn't feel like it had been 2 years. I can never describe to people the bond that you have when you live with someone in a foreign country and I still can't. It was just great, love those girls!
On Sunday we went to church and to the beach. The awe of that never gets old to me...laying in a hammock, reading a book and listening to the crash of the waves is simply amazing.
On Monday I was able to spend some time at NCA and saw my kiddos who are now in 6th grade. It's crazy to me to think that they were only in 1st grade when I met them. They are all so big and smart and just doing so well. I saw a lot of familiar faces and got lots of sweaty but sweet hugs. It felt good.
On Tuesday I met my friend Tim who runs a scholarship program based on a grant that he got through a world known organization ( and I can't remember the name of it!). I am blessed to be able to sponser Jose Angel. He is in elementary school in a private school in his neighborhood near Managua. Tim has asked if I wanted to meet him and I must admit I was a bit nervous to go, mainly because of the language barrier. But he took me to his house, and he wasn't there. His father's girlfriend told Tim that he has been wanting to be in the streets and has not been attending school. I should back up the bus a bit. About 2 months ago, I got a message from Tim that Jose Angel was sick and they initially thought he had gotten a virus from a bug bite but since it was not getting better they checked him for leukemia. Well, long story short they have ruled that out as well but he is not anemic. Anyways, he has not been in school since then and has wanted to be on the streets. We told her we would be back to check if he was back. I went to the schools to see them, visited a few more scholarship kids and went back to Jose Angel's house. He was there and so I was able to meet with him. We were not able to communicate but his father said that he is not making good choices and we just shared that we want what is best for him and that Tim and I will support him in whatever way we can. After seeing the house, my heart broke. We went straight to the grocery store and bought a heaping cart full of food for him and his family. It baffles me how every time I am there, I am struck by the sad reality of the reality of the lack of resources these people suffer with daily. It was absolutely nothing for me to go buy them a cart full of food, but their gratitude and joy will never be forgotten by me. We had a few more adventures that day, but I went home with a full heart. It was refreshing to see someone SO passionate about the work they are doing. I was amazed at what I saw and so grateful to play a small role in it.
Wednesday was the big day. I got on a little tiny plane with Tim and flew to Puerto Cabezas to see my boys. I was SO nervous on that little plane (sorry again Tim for the death grip I had on you) and when it landed, I cried. I was so relieved, but I believe more than that the reality that I got to hugs my littles became a reality. It was really happening! My friend Camille met us at the airport and we went to the orphanage. I was shaking and didn't stop talking. I didn't really know what to expect. I saw Leo first, and he was very shy and hid behind Camille. He looking at me like he knew me, but he wasn't quite sure what to do. Then I saw Frankie from a distance and had to control my urge to just go grab him. He was in his room and wouldn't come out, but once he did, the reunion was so sweet. He hugged and talked for a bit and I just couldn't get enough of them. They got comfortable real fast and so did I. They showed me around and we talked and they played on my phone and mostly looked at my pictures. We hung out for a bit and then they had to do tutoring and rest time, so we went to the beach. It was fun but I was anxious to get back. We went back and I brought them some cars and other little toys and just talked and hung out. I asked Frankie if he liked it there. He looked right at me and said "No, I want to go with you. Please, take me to your house." Well, in true Angie fashion I started bawling and told him that I would try. They ate dinner and then we had to leave. The next morning I was up at 4:30 because I was so excited to see them again. I just had a few minutes with them before they went to school. I hugged them, told them I loved them, dripping tears and snot on them and left. They both asked if I could come back, and of course I promised that I would. And then I was left to process it. I'm still there, still not sure how to process it all. Bottom line, I am so grateful to have had the chance. I'm beyond aware of how God timed it and orchestrated the whole trip. I'm forever grateful for Tim who made the trip with me. And to Camille, who planned and organized this all as well as traveled several hours by boat to make this possible. My heart was full. Tim, I don't know if you will read this (probably not) but I can never repay you for your role in this. You saw me and my best and you saw me at my worst. That is no easy task! So, THANK YOU!!!
When we got back to Managua, I was just sad. I had to say good bye to my boys and my heart was broken. I also knew the good byes with every one else had to start and it's hard. Love to go see people but my heart rips out of my chest when I have to leave again.
So, what's the next step? I don't know, I still will try whatever I can to bring Frankie and Leo home with me if it's possible. I have connections to a lawyer but need a husband before I can adopt. They recently changed the law that single people can not adopt. But I refuse to give up, and I know that if this is going to happen it will and God will provide ALL things needed (including a husband if that is the case).
So, how was my trip? Loaded question, and I still don't know how to answer. My heart aches to return and if they told me I had to move there to get the boys I would invite you all to my going away party :-) Please pray for me, for the boys, for clarity, and for all things to be what they will be. I pray that this is just another step in the journey with my loves. Only time will tell...
Thank you ALL for still reading, it means so much that people still care and still ask. Makes me feel loved <3
Friday, March 18, 2016
(Untitled)
Like the title of my entry for today, I feel untitled. I feel like there are just no words to help myself understand the events of this last week. Writing has become a tool for me to express how I feel, weirdly at times like this when it feels like there are just no words.
Saturday night, I got a message from a friend of mine that told me that she had just found out that Frankie and Leo had been moved back to Wauspum, were they were originally from. My heart sank, my sadness overflowed out my eyes and I cried for my boys...I mean really cried. I had known that they were in an orphanage in Managua, and I would periodically get updates from someone there who had gone to see them. The response when I asked how they are doing has always been "ok". So, I know that if someone is telling me ok, that it's probably not good. My heart breaks, I cry some more and I lay awake at night worrying about them, praying that above all else they would feel their heavenly Father wrap his arms around them and for them to never fear and never feel alone.
Monday I got a message from a friend of mine, whom I met while I was living in Nicaragua who had just been to the orphanage they are in now. I of course wrote to her and asked how they were doing. She was honest, which broke my heart again. They are struggling, they are confused, they are having a hard time adjusting. She didn't even know how to put it in to words. And my heart broke again. They remember me, they ask for me, they want me to come to them. And here I sit, one of the few times in my life where I know there is nothing I can do from here. And my heart broke again. And yet I keep hearing that still small voice telling me not to ask "Why?" but to turn the attention back to the "WHO." This is a time when I must fully trust that God's got this, that he holds it all in the palm of his hand. That even when I have no words, no solutions, nothing I can do to make any of this better...HE DOES! It's hard, and it sucks. I don't feel like I can talk about it, because honestly people don't understand how I feel or that this journey is on my mind all the time and that I struggle and want those boys with me. The point of it all is to bring glory back to that Father, but right now, I'm not so sure how and that I even can do that.
And today, as I watched my friend carry the casket holding his twin boys, who were stillborn this week I am reminded again that we will never know WHY but we must learn to focus on WHO. Most days, that struggle is too real and I can't do it. But I must trust that all things work together for our good and God will not hurt the hearts of those who love him.
So, while the load feels especially heavy and my words have only been able to expressed by tears, I keep trying to find the WHO and trust that all things will work together for my good, for Frankie's good, and for Leo's good. While I continue to hope that it could be make complete and we could be together, I have no choice but to focus on the God who hold us each in His loving hand and hears my teardrops as prayers.
At the funeral today, they played the song I have posted above entitled "It Is Well". Take a moment to listen to it. I am not at a point that I can say that all is well with my soul, but I know the fight to get there will be worth it in the end.
"Through it all, through it all my eyes are on you
Through it all, through it all it is well
Through it all, through it all my eyes are on you
And it is well with me."
And it is well with me"
Friday, October 9, 2015
Another update...
I know, I know it's been a long time since I've written and there is a reason...just not a good one :-)
I wanted to give you a quick (ok, we know I don't do these quick) update an further adoption stuff so the best place to start is at the beginning.
Anyone who knows me, knows that my heart is to bring Frankie home with me. I have loved that little man since the first time I picked him up when he was 2 years old. Those dark brown eyes had me at hello.
In April, I got a message from a friend in Nicaragua who asked if I was still wanting to adopt Frankie, my response was a quick and loud yes! She passed along information for a lawyer who may be able to help me and I sent an e-mail. She responded and told me what needed to be done and even though I had done it before it all felt new to me. She had me send information on the boys because I felt like I would try get Leo as well. Their bond is that of brothers and I knew if it was in my power, they would not be split up. Anyways, I did the initial things that she asked me to do, and waited to hear back from her.
In July, she told me that since I knew the child I was wanting to adopt, I had to write a letter directly to the director of Mi Familia to request that they allow me to work on the specific boys. I wrote my biography, spoke of the connection I had to them, and sent it in. She told me she would present it to the director and get back to me. Well, she got back to me last night. It was a short e-mail telling me that it would not be possible for me to get the boys because you can't adopt as a single person if you don't have Nicaraguan residency.
I read a quote recently that says " When you go through a trial, THE SOVEREIGNTY OF GOD is the pillow upon which you lay your head." The pillow is tear stained today, but I trust in God's ultimate plan for mine and the boys' life. I had so desperately hoped that our lives would be together. I don't know what the next step is for me, the desire to adopt that has been in my heart since I was 12 is still there, but after 2 failed attempts, I feel like I need to rest for awhile. It has been a whirlwind of emotions and a sad reality for me. The biggest struggle is that I know they are just a number where they are at, and my heart breaks daily for my little loves when I think about how they live day in and day out.
So, as always, here are the things you can pray for:
~Just peace, straight up peace about it all
~Bigger faith to trust that this is the right thing, even though it feels just awful
~Protection for the boys, I'm so glad they don't know what is going on and most importantly that they would grow to know and love the God who loves them more that they can imagine
~Clear answers to all the questions that are swirling around in my head right now
~A shot gun wedding with a groom who loves the Lord and wants to jump in to an adoption process for 2 of the cutest 7 years olds around :-)
Thanks again for reading, I do so much feel your love and prayers. If you happen to see me and ask about it, expect some tears. Much love to you all!
I wanted to give you a quick (ok, we know I don't do these quick) update an further adoption stuff so the best place to start is at the beginning.
Anyone who knows me, knows that my heart is to bring Frankie home with me. I have loved that little man since the first time I picked him up when he was 2 years old. Those dark brown eyes had me at hello.
In April, I got a message from a friend in Nicaragua who asked if I was still wanting to adopt Frankie, my response was a quick and loud yes! She passed along information for a lawyer who may be able to help me and I sent an e-mail. She responded and told me what needed to be done and even though I had done it before it all felt new to me. She had me send information on the boys because I felt like I would try get Leo as well. Their bond is that of brothers and I knew if it was in my power, they would not be split up. Anyways, I did the initial things that she asked me to do, and waited to hear back from her.
In July, she told me that since I knew the child I was wanting to adopt, I had to write a letter directly to the director of Mi Familia to request that they allow me to work on the specific boys. I wrote my biography, spoke of the connection I had to them, and sent it in. She told me she would present it to the director and get back to me. Well, she got back to me last night. It was a short e-mail telling me that it would not be possible for me to get the boys because you can't adopt as a single person if you don't have Nicaraguan residency.
I read a quote recently that says " When you go through a trial, THE SOVEREIGNTY OF GOD is the pillow upon which you lay your head." The pillow is tear stained today, but I trust in God's ultimate plan for mine and the boys' life. I had so desperately hoped that our lives would be together. I don't know what the next step is for me, the desire to adopt that has been in my heart since I was 12 is still there, but after 2 failed attempts, I feel like I need to rest for awhile. It has been a whirlwind of emotions and a sad reality for me. The biggest struggle is that I know they are just a number where they are at, and my heart breaks daily for my little loves when I think about how they live day in and day out.
So, as always, here are the things you can pray for:
~Just peace, straight up peace about it all
~Bigger faith to trust that this is the right thing, even though it feels just awful
~Protection for the boys, I'm so glad they don't know what is going on and most importantly that they would grow to know and love the God who loves them more that they can imagine
~Clear answers to all the questions that are swirling around in my head right now
~A shot gun wedding with a groom who loves the Lord and wants to jump in to an adoption process for 2 of the cutest 7 years olds around :-)
Thanks again for reading, I do so much feel your love and prayers. If you happen to see me and ask about it, expect some tears. Much love to you all!
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Just sharing...
Last Sunday, March 1st I was asked to speak in church on a specific passage where God tells Abram to leave his country and his home. If you know me at all, you know I said no twice before I agreed to do it. I have actually had a few requests to be able to read my story again so I just wanted to share it here. I am so thankful for all of you who still check in on me and my Nica story, as I believe it is not over...perhaps more my 2 previous years there were just a beginning :-)
Here it is:
Genesis 12:1-2
“The Lord had said to Abram, ‘Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go the land I will show you. I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.”
Wow, what a calling! What a difficult thing to hear from God, what a way to get Abram to perk his ears and say…excuse me, what did you say?
Leave your country, your people and your father’s household. This is a call I have heard a time or 2 in my life, but I want to share with you about the one time that I actually did it. In 2008, Amy signed up for a SERVE trip to go to Nicaragua, a country I had never heard of. I was finishing up my Masters so I knew that I would not have the time or money to go, but I thought it was really cool of her to want to go. My thought was that I would pack a suitcase of baby stuff, because everyone knows they need that in foreign countries, hug her at the airport and be jealous of her tan when she returned home. Well, as the time approached Amy got a teaching job and would not be able to go. Someone asked if I wanted to go in her place. Why not? Of course, my first thought was no but then I remembered the trip was in January and it would be cold here. So, I thought more about it and decided against all my better judgment that I would go. My main motivation was the sunshine. So, I packed my own suitcase of baby stuff, hugged Amy at the airport and was off. When we arrived in Nicaragua with the team, I wasn’t sure I should get off the plane. I DID NOT want to be there and I thought I should just go right back to Houston. My mom talked me out of that, and I reluctantly got off the plane. My first impression was that it was smelly, sweaty, and dirty. I was not in love with it. Even worse, when we found out where we would be staying and there was cold water and no air conditioning, I knew this was not the place for me. You see, Nicaragua and I had a love/hate relationship…and I hated it! I was searching the internet for flights home, and even remember a sweet late night conversation with my mom saying “If you still hate it by Monday, we’ll call dad and he will get you a ticket.” I remember banking on that promise from my mom. I don’t remember specifically the chain of events over those next few days when my relationship with Nicaragua took a turn for the better, but it was turning into a love and I was excited about it. We went to a mountainous region in Nicaragua, and I still remember the sounds, the sights, and the smells of that place. I remember the faces of those people who were filled with gratitude over the little things that we accomplished in those few days. It wasn’t about the cement we poured or the well that we painted, it was that we spent our time in a part of the world that can feel so forgotten. We worked in the village with the people and I remember thinking that through all the things we did for them, I was the one who was getting the benefit. As we drove home on the bus from that trip, I’ll never forget looking up in the clear sky that night through tear filled eyes thinking…you would not do this to me, would you God??
As our trip wound down, I remember thinking “I’ll be back Nicaragua.” As our plane landed in Houston, I remember that sense of feeling that I just didn’t want to be here…let me stay on this plane and fly back to Managua. What a difference 10 days makes!
Over the next 2 years as I finished up school and got my first real job, I struggled daily with feeling like things just weren’t right, something always felt off. Nothing seemed to work out the way I wanted it to, and I knew there had to be more to this life then what I was doing. To say I was in denial of what God was telling me would be an understatement. Looking back, I knew what he was telling me but I refused to listen.
In November of 2009, I had gone back to visit Nicaragua on my own and was staying with some dear friends. As we were sitting out on the porch watching the sun go down, so said “so when are you going to move here?” I laughed and was speechless, I never answered that question. To think of moving there was so overwhelming, specifically leaving my family for any more than a week was not going to happen in my mind. I entertained her idea by talking with her some more, while she told me I should talk to Liam, who was the director of NCA at that time. She told me of an opportunity that was at the school, and how they arrange volunteers to go down for one semester, about 4 months at a time. Again, I nodded like that would ever happen, but that felt too long. She encouraged me to talk to him, I agreed to do that because I was going to the school the next day. That night, I prayed that God would show me His way, and if I was to talk with Liam, the opportunity would present itself. I was nervous going to the school, knowing the pressure I had put on myself. As my luck had it, Liam was out at a conference that entire day. I wasn’t sure how to feel at that point, but in my mind it seemed clear that I was not to talk with him. I promised that if I happen to run in to him in Managua, a town of over one million people, I would do it It was my way of shutting down the fear of what Liam would tell me, but I felt it was justified.
Well, as He always does…God one uped me. As I was preparing to board my flight to come back to the States that November day, in to the airport walks Liam and of course, he was not only on my flight, our seats were near each other. I couldn’t pretend that I didn’t see him. It was a divine appointment like no other. I asked questions as though asking them for someone else’s information, and I was just sure I was fooling myself and him at that point. I told him I would pass along information to anyone who I thought needed it and went on my way. I knew at that point that that anyone was me.
Adjusting to the States after this trip was difficult. Life didn’t feel like life, it felt like a routine that I just didn’t want to be a part of anymore. After much prayer and wanted and unwanted advice from people, I decided to apply. Discontentment led me to my biggest blessing.
In February, we began the interview process. I had one last phone interview and Liam told me that he had to wait until the board meeting to review everything so it would be a week. 20 minutes later I had an e-mail asking me to please join them in Nicaragua for the 2010 school year. I was ecstatic, scared, yet have never to this day felt the peace that I felt on that day. I knew this was the right thing.
I moved down to Nicaragua in August of 2010. I worked at the school doing things that I never thought I would do…and love almost every minute of it. From the second the plane landed, I felt like I was home. My mom recalls one of the times I had gone to visit, I called very quickly just to let them know that I had made it. She tells me that she hung up the phone, looked at my dad and said “we’ve lost her.” It was home, I still consider it home in so many ways.
God gave me a gift, and it took me 2 years to truly find it. People often ask how or why I did it. To be honest, it was because God told me to. I experienced so many things in Nicaragua, not all of them positive, but experiences none the less. I loved on children who will never know the love of another adult. I taught 2 boys how to speak English in a school where it was necessary. I held the hand of a young woman who was dying of cancer, just weeks after she accepted her Savior. I witnessed speaking in tongues for the first time in my life. I fed the elderly and hungry. I received words of prophecy that were spot on. I witnessed growth and change, and most importantly it was my own heart that grew and was changed. I witnessed so many miracles and healing than I thought I could have ever expected to witness in a life time. My view of the world is just different, I can’t explain why but it just is. My eyes don’t see things the way that they used to.
Was it brave? No, it was obedient. God gave me these desires, and he brought them to be. I will forever cherish my time there, and can see my life leading me back to Nicaragua one day. As in all things, when God wants something done, He does it. It may take months, or in my case years, to get there, but He will bring it forth when the time is right.
Leave your country, your people and your father’s household. You never know how blessed you can be for doing it.
Here it is:
Genesis 12:1-2
“The Lord had said to Abram, ‘Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go the land I will show you. I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.”
Wow, what a calling! What a difficult thing to hear from God, what a way to get Abram to perk his ears and say…excuse me, what did you say?
Leave your country, your people and your father’s household. This is a call I have heard a time or 2 in my life, but I want to share with you about the one time that I actually did it. In 2008, Amy signed up for a SERVE trip to go to Nicaragua, a country I had never heard of. I was finishing up my Masters so I knew that I would not have the time or money to go, but I thought it was really cool of her to want to go. My thought was that I would pack a suitcase of baby stuff, because everyone knows they need that in foreign countries, hug her at the airport and be jealous of her tan when she returned home. Well, as the time approached Amy got a teaching job and would not be able to go. Someone asked if I wanted to go in her place. Why not? Of course, my first thought was no but then I remembered the trip was in January and it would be cold here. So, I thought more about it and decided against all my better judgment that I would go. My main motivation was the sunshine. So, I packed my own suitcase of baby stuff, hugged Amy at the airport and was off. When we arrived in Nicaragua with the team, I wasn’t sure I should get off the plane. I DID NOT want to be there and I thought I should just go right back to Houston. My mom talked me out of that, and I reluctantly got off the plane. My first impression was that it was smelly, sweaty, and dirty. I was not in love with it. Even worse, when we found out where we would be staying and there was cold water and no air conditioning, I knew this was not the place for me. You see, Nicaragua and I had a love/hate relationship…and I hated it! I was searching the internet for flights home, and even remember a sweet late night conversation with my mom saying “If you still hate it by Monday, we’ll call dad and he will get you a ticket.” I remember banking on that promise from my mom. I don’t remember specifically the chain of events over those next few days when my relationship with Nicaragua took a turn for the better, but it was turning into a love and I was excited about it. We went to a mountainous region in Nicaragua, and I still remember the sounds, the sights, and the smells of that place. I remember the faces of those people who were filled with gratitude over the little things that we accomplished in those few days. It wasn’t about the cement we poured or the well that we painted, it was that we spent our time in a part of the world that can feel so forgotten. We worked in the village with the people and I remember thinking that through all the things we did for them, I was the one who was getting the benefit. As we drove home on the bus from that trip, I’ll never forget looking up in the clear sky that night through tear filled eyes thinking…you would not do this to me, would you God??
As our trip wound down, I remember thinking “I’ll be back Nicaragua.” As our plane landed in Houston, I remember that sense of feeling that I just didn’t want to be here…let me stay on this plane and fly back to Managua. What a difference 10 days makes!
Over the next 2 years as I finished up school and got my first real job, I struggled daily with feeling like things just weren’t right, something always felt off. Nothing seemed to work out the way I wanted it to, and I knew there had to be more to this life then what I was doing. To say I was in denial of what God was telling me would be an understatement. Looking back, I knew what he was telling me but I refused to listen.
In November of 2009, I had gone back to visit Nicaragua on my own and was staying with some dear friends. As we were sitting out on the porch watching the sun go down, so said “so when are you going to move here?” I laughed and was speechless, I never answered that question. To think of moving there was so overwhelming, specifically leaving my family for any more than a week was not going to happen in my mind. I entertained her idea by talking with her some more, while she told me I should talk to Liam, who was the director of NCA at that time. She told me of an opportunity that was at the school, and how they arrange volunteers to go down for one semester, about 4 months at a time. Again, I nodded like that would ever happen, but that felt too long. She encouraged me to talk to him, I agreed to do that because I was going to the school the next day. That night, I prayed that God would show me His way, and if I was to talk with Liam, the opportunity would present itself. I was nervous going to the school, knowing the pressure I had put on myself. As my luck had it, Liam was out at a conference that entire day. I wasn’t sure how to feel at that point, but in my mind it seemed clear that I was not to talk with him. I promised that if I happen to run in to him in Managua, a town of over one million people, I would do it It was my way of shutting down the fear of what Liam would tell me, but I felt it was justified.
Well, as He always does…God one uped me. As I was preparing to board my flight to come back to the States that November day, in to the airport walks Liam and of course, he was not only on my flight, our seats were near each other. I couldn’t pretend that I didn’t see him. It was a divine appointment like no other. I asked questions as though asking them for someone else’s information, and I was just sure I was fooling myself and him at that point. I told him I would pass along information to anyone who I thought needed it and went on my way. I knew at that point that that anyone was me.
Adjusting to the States after this trip was difficult. Life didn’t feel like life, it felt like a routine that I just didn’t want to be a part of anymore. After much prayer and wanted and unwanted advice from people, I decided to apply. Discontentment led me to my biggest blessing.
In February, we began the interview process. I had one last phone interview and Liam told me that he had to wait until the board meeting to review everything so it would be a week. 20 minutes later I had an e-mail asking me to please join them in Nicaragua for the 2010 school year. I was ecstatic, scared, yet have never to this day felt the peace that I felt on that day. I knew this was the right thing.
I moved down to Nicaragua in August of 2010. I worked at the school doing things that I never thought I would do…and love almost every minute of it. From the second the plane landed, I felt like I was home. My mom recalls one of the times I had gone to visit, I called very quickly just to let them know that I had made it. She tells me that she hung up the phone, looked at my dad and said “we’ve lost her.” It was home, I still consider it home in so many ways.
God gave me a gift, and it took me 2 years to truly find it. People often ask how or why I did it. To be honest, it was because God told me to. I experienced so many things in Nicaragua, not all of them positive, but experiences none the less. I loved on children who will never know the love of another adult. I taught 2 boys how to speak English in a school where it was necessary. I held the hand of a young woman who was dying of cancer, just weeks after she accepted her Savior. I witnessed speaking in tongues for the first time in my life. I fed the elderly and hungry. I received words of prophecy that were spot on. I witnessed growth and change, and most importantly it was my own heart that grew and was changed. I witnessed so many miracles and healing than I thought I could have ever expected to witness in a life time. My view of the world is just different, I can’t explain why but it just is. My eyes don’t see things the way that they used to.
Was it brave? No, it was obedient. God gave me these desires, and he brought them to be. I will forever cherish my time there, and can see my life leading me back to Nicaragua one day. As in all things, when God wants something done, He does it. It may take months, or in my case years, to get there, but He will bring it forth when the time is right.
Leave your country, your people and your father’s household. You never know how blessed you can be for doing it.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Struggling...
Good morning dear friends~
Yep, I'm writing again...don't get too excited, nothing much going on, just taking advantage of my free therapy by putting my thoughts in to words!
As you can see by the title of this post...I'm struggling. If the time shows up on these, that could be a great second clue. You all know how I HATE getting up early, and how much I love my sleep. It's 6:03 AM on a Saturday morning, YUCK!!
I am struggling...A LOT this last week. I share this because I am asking for your prayers. I think sometimes we don't feel like it's ok to admit that we are struggling, but the reason I write this is simply because I do think it's ok. It can be a hard to ask for help, but I believe that is why we have people in our lives, for the good and bad times.
Nothing is going like it's supposed to. There, I said it without guilt this time. Honestly, I have struggled with life for the past 2 years. I remember those first few days and weeks home from Nicaragua with tears running down my eyes. To say it was a difficult adjustment would be an understatement, I felt like a foreigner in my own home. And, I still do. I keep thinking it will get better, but it doesn't seem to. I feel like I've been so out of place since I moved back, still trying to figure out where I am supposed to be. I have had 4 new jobs since I moved back. Nothing is working out on the job front, and it's getting exhausting. I have no home, no place to call my own...and haven't for 2 years. It's frustrating. This is not where I expected, or want to be in life. So, what can I do about it? I am trying to bask in the knowledge that this is temporary, God is faithful, and he works all things together for GOOD. But, that's just REALLY hard. I don't know what the next step is, and I think I keep trying to find it in all the wrong places. I'm asking you to pray for a true sense of direction for me. I have no idea what the next few months look like, and while I like a good adventure, I would like some "settle" in my life.
Now, I can't say that nothing good has happened in the past 2 years, because that is simply not true either. I am SO, SO blessed in so many ways, and I am grateful for that. I am not complaining, I am being honest. I do love being back home and around friends and family, you truly don't realize how much you miss that until you don't have it. That was my biggest struggle when I did live in Nicaragua, and mostly it was missing the day to day stuff of being around my nieces and nephews. You all know I'm crazy, obsessive aunt who is too much in love with those 5 little people.
I have hope that someday I will look back on ALL of this and say "I wouldn't have had it any other way"...
Yep, I'm writing again...don't get too excited, nothing much going on, just taking advantage of my free therapy by putting my thoughts in to words!
As you can see by the title of this post...I'm struggling. If the time shows up on these, that could be a great second clue. You all know how I HATE getting up early, and how much I love my sleep. It's 6:03 AM on a Saturday morning, YUCK!!
I am struggling...A LOT this last week. I share this because I am asking for your prayers. I think sometimes we don't feel like it's ok to admit that we are struggling, but the reason I write this is simply because I do think it's ok. It can be a hard to ask for help, but I believe that is why we have people in our lives, for the good and bad times.
Nothing is going like it's supposed to. There, I said it without guilt this time. Honestly, I have struggled with life for the past 2 years. I remember those first few days and weeks home from Nicaragua with tears running down my eyes. To say it was a difficult adjustment would be an understatement, I felt like a foreigner in my own home. And, I still do. I keep thinking it will get better, but it doesn't seem to. I feel like I've been so out of place since I moved back, still trying to figure out where I am supposed to be. I have had 4 new jobs since I moved back. Nothing is working out on the job front, and it's getting exhausting. I have no home, no place to call my own...and haven't for 2 years. It's frustrating. This is not where I expected, or want to be in life. So, what can I do about it? I am trying to bask in the knowledge that this is temporary, God is faithful, and he works all things together for GOOD. But, that's just REALLY hard. I don't know what the next step is, and I think I keep trying to find it in all the wrong places. I'm asking you to pray for a true sense of direction for me. I have no idea what the next few months look like, and while I like a good adventure, I would like some "settle" in my life.
Now, I can't say that nothing good has happened in the past 2 years, because that is simply not true either. I am SO, SO blessed in so many ways, and I am grateful for that. I am not complaining, I am being honest. I do love being back home and around friends and family, you truly don't realize how much you miss that until you don't have it. That was my biggest struggle when I did live in Nicaragua, and mostly it was missing the day to day stuff of being around my nieces and nephews. You all know I'm crazy, obsessive aunt who is too much in love with those 5 little people.
I have hope that someday I will look back on ALL of this and say "I wouldn't have had it any other way"...
Sunday, June 15, 2014
A Heavy Heart...
Hello friends~
Just a quick update and a huge request for prayers...
The family who are in the process of adopting Antonio have lost their 19 year old daughter in a tragic accident yesterday. I really do not know any details, and they don't really matter.
Taellor was a beautiful girl who had a heart to love the way that Jesus did. She has been very involved in the family's decision to adopt Antonio, which has been an extreme source of comfort to me. While I never met her, I love her because she saw the same potential in Antonio that I did. She knew that he needed to be a part of their family, and God used her to give him the family that my heart so desired.
My heart breaks for the little man that I love who lost his sister, in a world were he most likely struggles to understand much of what is going on. His tiny heart must be breaking...with no words to help him understand why.
Please join me in praying for this family, for Antonio, and the missionary community of Nicaragua that was my own family as they mourn the loss of there daughter, sister, and friend...
Just a quick update and a huge request for prayers...
The family who are in the process of adopting Antonio have lost their 19 year old daughter in a tragic accident yesterday. I really do not know any details, and they don't really matter.
Taellor was a beautiful girl who had a heart to love the way that Jesus did. She has been very involved in the family's decision to adopt Antonio, which has been an extreme source of comfort to me. While I never met her, I love her because she saw the same potential in Antonio that I did. She knew that he needed to be a part of their family, and God used her to give him the family that my heart so desired.
My heart breaks for the little man that I love who lost his sister, in a world were he most likely struggles to understand much of what is going on. His tiny heart must be breaking...with no words to help him understand why.
Please join me in praying for this family, for Antonio, and the missionary community of Nicaragua that was my own family as they mourn the loss of there daughter, sister, and friend...
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