How did you decide?

When I officially decided not to come back to Nicaragua, I had several people ask me "how did you decide?" I just want to share the experience with you, it was a new one for me!

When I originally came down to Nicaragua I had a 4 month commitment from August to December, 2010. My decision to come here was a difficult process but not a difficult answer. I LOVED this country and knew with every thing in me that God wanted me here....there was just no question. He opened door after door after door. I questioned my own strength to pull the trigger and do it, knowing that it would be the most difficult thing I had done in my then 28 years but it was just right. Leaving has not been the same...

I love Nicaragua, I always will. I have LOVED every (ok, almost every) child and family I've worked with and gotten to know over the last 2 years. I have learned so much about life, about loss, about knowing the feeling of being in God's perfect will, and about defying your own ideas of what you are strong enough to do. When I arrived back in Nicaragua after the summer last August, I was at my house unpacking my things and I just felt like I was not going to unpack here again....getting a sense that this would be the beginning of my last year. Well, after a few days I forgot about that a pushed that aside knowing that I had another year contract to fulfill and I wasn't thinking about leaving and that point. I went home a few months later to meet my new niece and talked with a lot of people about what my life was looking like at this point. I got unexpectedly emotional, my work was really tugging at my heart those 2 weeks at home....I was wondering if I would EVER leave Nicaragua, feeling very content where I was at. Fall turned to winter, I was home at Christmas and was anxious to get back to Nica after being in the States for 3 weeks, so at this point I'm thinking...ok, what is going on here?? I had never wanted to come back the way I did in January.

D-day was March 1, the day World Missions wants an answer. I was determined not to ask for more time, thinking I wouldn't need it. I knew that God was going to make it clear to me before then. The weekend before D-day was one of the lowest times for me that I have had since being in Nicaragua. Homesickness was my best friend, I would have sold my soul to the devil to get on a plane and gone home. So, in light of the horrible weekend, I thought "Easy, I'm sick of this...I'm going home." WAIT!! You can't make a decision when things are so good OR when they are so bad. So, I asked for the extension and used more time. Since January I have prayed, "God, if you want me to stay, give me a clear direction on what my job should be." For months, I asked this...where would you have me work in Nicaragua if I'm going to stay? Well, I got nothing...silence. For 3 months, I had no clue where I would be if I stayed. God spoke to me through silence for the first time in my life. I got no answer, and decided to move back to the States on June 5.

So, in a nutshell...that is how I arrived at my decision. Do I regret it? Some days....I love this country, my heart is for the children here, I've never met a baby I don't love but when they don't have a mother, it tears me apart every time. I am in my element when I can love of these kiddos here that so desperately need it. People ask me if I'll come back someday...and the answer is a quick yes! If for nothing else, to come for a week or 2 and show other people where I lived and worked for 2 years. My dream is to bring my own children here someday and see how this country would impact their hearts.

The next question I get asked a lot is this "What are you going to do when you get back to the States?" The answer to that is: I have NO IDEA!!!!!!! My life is a blank page starting June 6. I don't have a job, a car, a house, a plan or anything else. People look at me like I should be nervous...I'm not. How can I be? When I look at what I've survived in the last 2 years, there's not much that scares me at this point. I do know I'm going to hang out with Sam and Alex all summer, spend lots of time with Kaeleigh, Cole, and Caleb, go to Nashville with my sister to celebrate being 30, enjoy family vacation and reconnect with friends that I have seen far too little of over the last 2 years. God will provide, He always does.