Bittersweet

I've used the term bittersweet several times in my life, but over the last month, I feel that I have truly defined what it has meant for me. Webster's Dictionary defines it as "pleasant but including or marked by elements of suffering or regret." Yep, Mr. Webster...you nailed it. You see my adoption has taken the bittersweet direction.

Let me go back to a month ago. Paperwork STILL sitting in an envelope on dad's desk, me thinking it had been sent weeks ago, him telling me that there was no reason it wasn't sent. SO, I got a call from Nica asking where it was and I replied with "It should be on it's way." E-mail dad, he tells me it is still sitting there. I asked why, he says as any typical man says "I don't know." I love him! Ok, that's off topic...moving along. I asked him to send it and completely and immediately was overcome with doubt and in my true fashion, started bawling. Still thinking he sent it on Tuesday, went home Friday and he tells me it never got sent. OK, I asked him 3 times and it didn't get sent. Hmm. So, of course again in true fashion I cried some more. God, was this your way of putting a stop to this? You see, throughout my ENTIRE adoption process my prayer has not been to make things clear, it has been to SLAM the door shut when it needed to be slammed shut. This felt like a slam shut for me. So, I prayed, cried and didn't sleep a lot. I have NEVER wrestled with anything so much in my life.

I'll get to the good stuff. Had a sit down with my parents 2 weeks before Thanksgiving, they expressed a lot of concerns and with tears streaming down my eyes I said "I can't do this." We talked some more and I went home knowing that I had made the best and right decision, however again in my true fashion I bawled for a few more weeks. I made the most difficult call I've ever had to make. I just simply had no peace about it, and knew that this was too big of a decision to be so so on. You see, it is not that my heart is not for adoption. I just didn't feel right and I can't explain or defend that decision besides that I know it's right.

My dear friend Andrea opened her home in Nicaragua on December 1 and Antonio would go live with her. I was so heartbroken and sad, feeling like I had failed this man who had captured my heart. When anyone asked how it was going, I smiled through tears and just said "fine" but I truly was not fine. I was just praying for God to heal our hearts, mine and Antonio's, but mostly that God the Father would provide him with a home, one of pure joy, happiness and providence.

Fast forward to today...December 21. I got a text from Andrea saying "Antonio has a family, will tell you more later." WOW!!! Again, true Angie fashion...I cried :-) Tears of joy for this little man who would not come to the States with me, but would have a family in Nicaragua who could love him and provide for him in much better ways than I could.

So, the bittersweetness (I don't think that's a real word) is heavy tonight. PLEASANT, so very pleasant for this little boy that I love that our Father has provided for him in ways that were unimaginable. Including or marked by elements of suffering or regret. Yep, that's all there too...I still struggle with tremendous guilt and feelings of regret for not being less fearful and more faithful. God has truly worked all things together for the good of those who love him, and my prayer is that I will continue to see that in Antonio's life and that he would just be so blessed.

So, what about adoption for me?? It's not off, it's just looking like it will take a different direction. I have some ideas in my head, but they're not final but I will keep you all posted!

Please continue to pray for me, it's a tough journey and one that is not over. Join me in praising God for his provision for Antonio...we truly serve a God who is bigger than we can imagine!

Thanks for reading ya'll...stay tuned!