Alone with my thoughts...

Once again, here I am...alone with my thoughts. Again, I write this for me, but love to have you along for the journey if you so desire!

I landed back in the States 48 hours ago, so again...everything feels so different! It's been almost 2 year since I moved back from Nicaragua, but when I was there it felt like I had never left. Everything looks the same...yet it is all so different.

I have to admit, I was just sad being there. I find myself thinking of moving back there (at least 10 times) daily. I have to wonder...would it be the same? Would I enjoy it as much as I think I would? Someone asked me "Why did you move back the States in the first place?" I was quick to respond...I guess I thought it was time for me to "grow up", I had hopes of getting a great job, maybe settling down and getting married and starting a family of my own and living the American dream. It sounded so appealing, yet none of it has happened. So...what do you do when live just doesn't work out the way you thought it would? Well, I feel like the writing on the wall this time is just in a different language, and I'm trying to translate. What does all of this mean? I wish I knew...I guess I will just have to keep ya'll posted.

My visit to Nicaragua was truly bittersweet. I went to all the places that were so near and dear to my heart and loved every minute of it. It was so great to see old faces, go to all my old places and get lots of familiar hugs from kiddos whom I loved. Of course my favorite drive was the drive up the hill to see my Frankie. What a monkey! He is growing like crazy, and cute as ever! He's pure boy and loves life. My drive up the hill was followed by my typical drive back down the hill...tears and a broken heart! It's SO HARD to leave him, my deepest desire is to be with him. The first time those brown eyes looked up at me, lifted his arms to me and said "mama"...I was just simply in love and life hasn't been the same since...who knew you could love a little person that much...OK, all you moms know that you can :-)

Quick update on Antonio: He's doing great with is family, and is in preschool...something that I was told would never happen. PRAISE GOD for his faithfulness to his little man. Thriving and doing well!

Adoption info...some people are curious. My paperwork expired on May 20, and it was a day full of mixed emotions. Is it never going to happen? Actually, I believe it will but now is not the time, and I do have true peace about it all. I would LOVE to get Frankie, but it will take much change of heart and a true miracle. Join me in praying for one :-) In my mind, he will always be my little boy!

To those who actually read this...thanks! You are still an encouragement to me and I love it!

Happy New Year

Hello faithful blog readers~

Ok, so maybe 10 people read this, but as always I feel so much better when I "write" things down so someday I can re-read my own words and remember this journey that God is bringing me on.

Just a few quick prayers requests:

Antonio goes to meet his family tomorrow and they will take him for a home visit. I am TRULY ecstatic for him, yet sad for me. I just envisioned things to be so different. Pray that his adjustment is as smooth as possible, and BIG blessings on him and his family. Bitter sweetness again...

Pray for my future son...ok, or daughter (but I really want a boy) :-) My plan is to continue with the adoption process, and I'm kind of hoping that I can maybe get a baby...I guess that is most likely wishful thinking but I guess I can dream. I believe things didn't work with Antonio because there is just a better plan. God's YES is bigger than any NO any of us can mutter.

Pray for me as I make these and other big decisions...God is nudging me, just praying we can go in the same direction.

Thanks for all your love, encouragement, and support. You on the other screen are awesome and a blessing to me! I wish you all the best in this New Year...

Bittersweet

I've used the term bittersweet several times in my life, but over the last month, I feel that I have truly defined what it has meant for me. Webster's Dictionary defines it as "pleasant but including or marked by elements of suffering or regret." Yep, Mr. Webster...you nailed it. You see my adoption has taken the bittersweet direction.

Let me go back to a month ago. Paperwork STILL sitting in an envelope on dad's desk, me thinking it had been sent weeks ago, him telling me that there was no reason it wasn't sent. SO, I got a call from Nica asking where it was and I replied with "It should be on it's way." E-mail dad, he tells me it is still sitting there. I asked why, he says as any typical man says "I don't know." I love him! Ok, that's off topic...moving along. I asked him to send it and completely and immediately was overcome with doubt and in my true fashion, started bawling. Still thinking he sent it on Tuesday, went home Friday and he tells me it never got sent. OK, I asked him 3 times and it didn't get sent. Hmm. So, of course again in true fashion I cried some more. God, was this your way of putting a stop to this? You see, throughout my ENTIRE adoption process my prayer has not been to make things clear, it has been to SLAM the door shut when it needed to be slammed shut. This felt like a slam shut for me. So, I prayed, cried and didn't sleep a lot. I have NEVER wrestled with anything so much in my life.

I'll get to the good stuff. Had a sit down with my parents 2 weeks before Thanksgiving, they expressed a lot of concerns and with tears streaming down my eyes I said "I can't do this." We talked some more and I went home knowing that I had made the best and right decision, however again in my true fashion I bawled for a few more weeks. I made the most difficult call I've ever had to make. I just simply had no peace about it, and knew that this was too big of a decision to be so so on. You see, it is not that my heart is not for adoption. I just didn't feel right and I can't explain or defend that decision besides that I know it's right.

My dear friend Andrea opened her home in Nicaragua on December 1 and Antonio would go live with her. I was so heartbroken and sad, feeling like I had failed this man who had captured my heart. When anyone asked how it was going, I smiled through tears and just said "fine" but I truly was not fine. I was just praying for God to heal our hearts, mine and Antonio's, but mostly that God the Father would provide him with a home, one of pure joy, happiness and providence.

Fast forward to today...December 21. I got a text from Andrea saying "Antonio has a family, will tell you more later." WOW!!! Again, true Angie fashion...I cried :-) Tears of joy for this little man who would not come to the States with me, but would have a family in Nicaragua who could love him and provide for him in much better ways than I could.

So, the bittersweetness (I don't think that's a real word) is heavy tonight. PLEASANT, so very pleasant for this little boy that I love that our Father has provided for him in ways that were unimaginable. Including or marked by elements of suffering or regret. Yep, that's all there too...I still struggle with tremendous guilt and feelings of regret for not being less fearful and more faithful. God has truly worked all things together for the good of those who love him, and my prayer is that I will continue to see that in Antonio's life and that he would just be so blessed.

So, what about adoption for me?? It's not off, it's just looking like it will take a different direction. I have some ideas in my head, but they're not final but I will keep you all posted!

Please continue to pray for me, it's a tough journey and one that is not over. Join me in praising God for his provision for Antonio...we truly serve a God who is bigger than we can imagine!

Thanks for reading ya'll...stay tuned!

Adoption

Well, it's been quite a while since I've posted on my blog...and my goal was to use it to keep people in the loop on my adoption stuff, and I have not done it. So for anyone who is curious, read on!

I'm fully aware that maybe no one will read this, but today I realize I have to do it for me.

My adoption journey started last October, when I made the first phone call to Angela, the adoption investigator. My home study was started and finished in a month. One big step down. WELL, as my luck would have it I got a phone call from a former co worker asking me if I was looking for a different job. Well, I was so I drove to Mason City, interviewed, and had a job offer all in one day. SO, my home study waited until I could move up north, get settled, and more importantly find a place to live. Oh, and again, a curve ball...had my gall bladder removed and had some yucky stuff after that for about a month...let's just say I'm glad I can never have it out again! I moved in to my apartment March 1, my home study was truly officially done and I sent it in to USCIS (United States Customs and Immigration). My first communication came back from them in April...denied. OK, so what to do next? I got more information, finger printed (FBI style) and sent it again. Bought a ticket to Nica for a quick weekend trip over Memorial Day with my mom, got home at midnight to find my approval in my mailbox. SO...a few more paperwork requirements took me until September to get and I sent it all away for one last seal of approval from the Secretary of the State of Iowa. Approved, September 23.

Then...I freaked out! Had a few days where all I did was doubt and cry. I was a mess, yet no one can understand my dilemma. People have a hard time understanding why and how I will even do this, and you know what so do I. I really prayed hard and wrestled with my choice, I still am. I have a pit in my stomach all the time thinking about it...but I still believe this is what God has called me to do. Is it ideal? No. Can I afford it financially? No. Am I completely confident in my ability to raise a 6 year old little boy who will have potential for lots of different issues? No. Do I feel like this is going to be an easy journey? No. I am super nervous and scared, but that doesn't make it wrong. I read an article a few weeks ago that just will not leave my head...doing God's will is not about making the right or wrong choice, it's about playing a part in God's perfect plan for redemption. How does this work? I don't know, but I believe I will find out through this process.

I also found myself feeling a bit like Mary this morning in church, although not near as cool as she is :-) She was scared, she was doubtful, she was questioning her ability to be a mother, and a mother to God's own son none the less. But, her song found in the 1st chapter of Luke is full of praise to the Lord, my goal is to be able to do the same through my doubt and fear. Luke 1:45 says "Blessed is she who believes that what they Lord has said will be." I want to be THAT SHE.

I am scared and uncertain about my future, but I know that God can and will continue to either open or close the doors that need to be opened or closed. Please, if you are reading this, please pray for me and Antonio as our lives are both about to change very drastically. Only God knows the future, and I hope to continue to be a blessing in it.

Last week, I was talking with a co worker who said "A good parent always questions their ability to raise their child." I am mom of the year lately if this is the case :-)

Thanks for reading, and as always, I love to hear from you guys, even though I lead a "boring, North American" life now!

Dear Nicaragua...

Dear Nicaragua,

How do you begin the end of a 2 year affair? When I can look back and see the things that have happened in my life (good and bad) because of you, I am overcome with gratefulness, happiness, and pure amazement. When I think back to 2 years ago when I first came, I sometimes have to check if I am the same person. I never imagined what you would do to me!

The first and best lesson you taught me (and showed me) is how big God really is. Many times over the last 2 years, I've had to cling to my faith because it felt like it was literally all I had. BUT, this also made me realize that it was all I need. God is alive, big and active in Nicaragua (and everywhere else), and I am blessed to have seen that and experienced more than I imagined in a lifetime. My greatest fear about leaving you is that I will not have my eyes opened in the States as wide as they are here...I want to bottle this up and take a little swig of it every day so I don't forget.

The second lesson you're taught me is the things are worthless, but people are worth more than I imagined. NEVER would I have thought I would have been so blessed with so many great people and relationships on this journey. When you come here, no matter what your background, skin color, financial status, or anything thing else is stripped away. The only thing we all share is that we love Jesus and want to do what He wants...and that bonds us in a way that is beyond imagination. And....it's more than enough to simply love Him and want to live for Him, no matter where we are.

The third lesson I learned is that I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I have grown up a lot in ways that I needed to. Life lessons learned here are ones that can never be taken away from me. You can do anything, because when God calls you to do something, He equips with all the right things to do HIS work in HIS kingdom, no matter what the zip code is.

The fourth lesson I learned was how to truly love another person. Choosing to morph from selfish to servant is a daily, hourly, even every minute task...but one that I am starting to grasp. I still need lots of room for error, but God knows my heart and how I am truly trying. Forgiving quickly, loving too much, giving freely, and serving others is something that is never wrong, even if you don't always do it in the right way.

So, Nicaragua, I will be eternally grateful for what you have taught me. I hope and pray that I have had a little bit of an impact on you as well. I am leaving a BIG piece of my heart here, and to turn away from it now is one of the most difficult things I've had to do, but this chapter in my life is closing. I can tell you in confidence that I will see you again and until then, will think of you every day and love what we've had.

Until next time....

Angie

My Mama Moments...

I've always heard the phrase "Everything I need to know, I learned in kindergarten." Well, as valuable as my year with Mrs. Vanette was,the log cabin, nap time on my Precious Moments pillow, and having my first boyfriend was...I can't say I learned all I need to know. BUT, I can tell you what has led me to learn the most about life, love, sadness, joy, pure bliss, pure stress, pure exhaustion, and every possible emotion under the sun.

I'll introduce you to a little 4 year old boy named Frankie ;-) The first time I met him, he walked up to me and put his chubby little arms at me and said "Mama." I picked him up and he had me right then and there. Over the last year and a half I have learned more from that little man than I ever would have imagined. You see, his nickname Cranky Frankie can be quite obvious at times...the kid didn't smile much when I first met him, so reserved and so serious. I can only imagine what happened to him before he was literally rescued and brought to Mas Que Vencedores (More Than Conquerors) in El Crucero. Praise the Lord that he got out when he did!

He's taught me so much, and I know I have so much further to go...but so far, here's what I've learned from the love of my life.

1. Frankie loves me NO MATTER WHAT! I lose my patience quite easily, especially after a night of profuse sweating and little sleep, but he doesn't care. He hugs me in the morning and loves me unconditionally. I return the feelings, little one!

2.Patience is a virtue, and one that is required when hanging out with this little man. The language barrier is an obvious problem with us, yet that smile and the biggest hugs he can give make up for that lack of words we speak with our lips.

3. God's providence is amazing in both my life and his. I believe Frankie is one of God's most precious creations to ever hit the globe. I mean, he's adorable (and stubborn, and a bit cranky, and not the best listener, and....)

4. To date I have not experienced anything in my life as blissful as waking up (all to early) to my eyelids being pulled open to hear "Angie, I love you...I love you." PURE BLISS!!!!!!!!!!!

5. God has a BIG PLAN for this little life, I am blessed to be able to have played a role in it so far, and I pray that I can be a part of it for many more years!

6. Bonding can happen in an instant...me and him are living proof of that!

7. Being a mom (even just for the weekend) is exhausting and the most difficult task I've taken on to date...yet it is worth every single moment of being with that little boy.

So, in honor of Mother's Day...I wanted to share a few of my Mama moments. It's been the most rewarding relationship I've had in my life. I did not know that my selfish self was capable to love someone as much as I love him. He can do no wrong in my eyes and there is nothing I wouldn't do for him. I will be FOREVER grateful for what I've learned from this little boy. I want him to always know how much I love him, how much hope I see in his big brown eyes, and how much I believe in God's plan for his life. I'm amazed by him a little bit more every time I see him....

How did you decide?

When I officially decided not to come back to Nicaragua, I had several people ask me "how did you decide?" I just want to share the experience with you, it was a new one for me!

When I originally came down to Nicaragua I had a 4 month commitment from August to December, 2010. My decision to come here was a difficult process but not a difficult answer. I LOVED this country and knew with every thing in me that God wanted me here....there was just no question. He opened door after door after door. I questioned my own strength to pull the trigger and do it, knowing that it would be the most difficult thing I had done in my then 28 years but it was just right. Leaving has not been the same...

I love Nicaragua, I always will. I have LOVED every (ok, almost every) child and family I've worked with and gotten to know over the last 2 years. I have learned so much about life, about loss, about knowing the feeling of being in God's perfect will, and about defying your own ideas of what you are strong enough to do. When I arrived back in Nicaragua after the summer last August, I was at my house unpacking my things and I just felt like I was not going to unpack here again....getting a sense that this would be the beginning of my last year. Well, after a few days I forgot about that a pushed that aside knowing that I had another year contract to fulfill and I wasn't thinking about leaving and that point. I went home a few months later to meet my new niece and talked with a lot of people about what my life was looking like at this point. I got unexpectedly emotional, my work was really tugging at my heart those 2 weeks at home....I was wondering if I would EVER leave Nicaragua, feeling very content where I was at. Fall turned to winter, I was home at Christmas and was anxious to get back to Nica after being in the States for 3 weeks, so at this point I'm thinking...ok, what is going on here?? I had never wanted to come back the way I did in January.

D-day was March 1, the day World Missions wants an answer. I was determined not to ask for more time, thinking I wouldn't need it. I knew that God was going to make it clear to me before then. The weekend before D-day was one of the lowest times for me that I have had since being in Nicaragua. Homesickness was my best friend, I would have sold my soul to the devil to get on a plane and gone home. So, in light of the horrible weekend, I thought "Easy, I'm sick of this...I'm going home." WAIT!! You can't make a decision when things are so good OR when they are so bad. So, I asked for the extension and used more time. Since January I have prayed, "God, if you want me to stay, give me a clear direction on what my job should be." For months, I asked this...where would you have me work in Nicaragua if I'm going to stay? Well, I got nothing...silence. For 3 months, I had no clue where I would be if I stayed. God spoke to me through silence for the first time in my life. I got no answer, and decided to move back to the States on June 5.

So, in a nutshell...that is how I arrived at my decision. Do I regret it? Some days....I love this country, my heart is for the children here, I've never met a baby I don't love but when they don't have a mother, it tears me apart every time. I am in my element when I can love of these kiddos here that so desperately need it. People ask me if I'll come back someday...and the answer is a quick yes! If for nothing else, to come for a week or 2 and show other people where I lived and worked for 2 years. My dream is to bring my own children here someday and see how this country would impact their hearts.

The next question I get asked a lot is this "What are you going to do when you get back to the States?" The answer to that is: I have NO IDEA!!!!!!! My life is a blank page starting June 6. I don't have a job, a car, a house, a plan or anything else. People look at me like I should be nervous...I'm not. How can I be? When I look at what I've survived in the last 2 years, there's not much that scares me at this point. I do know I'm going to hang out with Sam and Alex all summer, spend lots of time with Kaeleigh, Cole, and Caleb, go to Nashville with my sister to celebrate being 30, enjoy family vacation and reconnect with friends that I have seen far too little of over the last 2 years. God will provide, He always does.