Bittersweet

I've used the term bittersweet several times in my life, but over the last month, I feel that I have truly defined what it has meant for me. Webster's Dictionary defines it as "pleasant but including or marked by elements of suffering or regret." Yep, Mr. Webster...you nailed it. You see my adoption has taken the bittersweet direction.

Let me go back to a month ago. Paperwork STILL sitting in an envelope on dad's desk, me thinking it had been sent weeks ago, him telling me that there was no reason it wasn't sent. SO, I got a call from Nica asking where it was and I replied with "It should be on it's way." E-mail dad, he tells me it is still sitting there. I asked why, he says as any typical man says "I don't know." I love him! Ok, that's off topic...moving along. I asked him to send it and completely and immediately was overcome with doubt and in my true fashion, started bawling. Still thinking he sent it on Tuesday, went home Friday and he tells me it never got sent. OK, I asked him 3 times and it didn't get sent. Hmm. So, of course again in true fashion I cried some more. God, was this your way of putting a stop to this? You see, throughout my ENTIRE adoption process my prayer has not been to make things clear, it has been to SLAM the door shut when it needed to be slammed shut. This felt like a slam shut for me. So, I prayed, cried and didn't sleep a lot. I have NEVER wrestled with anything so much in my life.

I'll get to the good stuff. Had a sit down with my parents 2 weeks before Thanksgiving, they expressed a lot of concerns and with tears streaming down my eyes I said "I can't do this." We talked some more and I went home knowing that I had made the best and right decision, however again in my true fashion I bawled for a few more weeks. I made the most difficult call I've ever had to make. I just simply had no peace about it, and knew that this was too big of a decision to be so so on. You see, it is not that my heart is not for adoption. I just didn't feel right and I can't explain or defend that decision besides that I know it's right.

My dear friend Andrea opened her home in Nicaragua on December 1 and Antonio would go live with her. I was so heartbroken and sad, feeling like I had failed this man who had captured my heart. When anyone asked how it was going, I smiled through tears and just said "fine" but I truly was not fine. I was just praying for God to heal our hearts, mine and Antonio's, but mostly that God the Father would provide him with a home, one of pure joy, happiness and providence.

Fast forward to today...December 21. I got a text from Andrea saying "Antonio has a family, will tell you more later." WOW!!! Again, true Angie fashion...I cried :-) Tears of joy for this little man who would not come to the States with me, but would have a family in Nicaragua who could love him and provide for him in much better ways than I could.

So, the bittersweetness (I don't think that's a real word) is heavy tonight. PLEASANT, so very pleasant for this little boy that I love that our Father has provided for him in ways that were unimaginable. Including or marked by elements of suffering or regret. Yep, that's all there too...I still struggle with tremendous guilt and feelings of regret for not being less fearful and more faithful. God has truly worked all things together for the good of those who love him, and my prayer is that I will continue to see that in Antonio's life and that he would just be so blessed.

So, what about adoption for me?? It's not off, it's just looking like it will take a different direction. I have some ideas in my head, but they're not final but I will keep you all posted!

Please continue to pray for me, it's a tough journey and one that is not over. Join me in praising God for his provision for Antonio...we truly serve a God who is bigger than we can imagine!

Thanks for reading ya'll...stay tuned!

Adoption

Well, it's been quite a while since I've posted on my blog...and my goal was to use it to keep people in the loop on my adoption stuff, and I have not done it. So for anyone who is curious, read on!

I'm fully aware that maybe no one will read this, but today I realize I have to do it for me.

My adoption journey started last October, when I made the first phone call to Angela, the adoption investigator. My home study was started and finished in a month. One big step down. WELL, as my luck would have it I got a phone call from a former co worker asking me if I was looking for a different job. Well, I was so I drove to Mason City, interviewed, and had a job offer all in one day. SO, my home study waited until I could move up north, get settled, and more importantly find a place to live. Oh, and again, a curve ball...had my gall bladder removed and had some yucky stuff after that for about a month...let's just say I'm glad I can never have it out again! I moved in to my apartment March 1, my home study was truly officially done and I sent it in to USCIS (United States Customs and Immigration). My first communication came back from them in April...denied. OK, so what to do next? I got more information, finger printed (FBI style) and sent it again. Bought a ticket to Nica for a quick weekend trip over Memorial Day with my mom, got home at midnight to find my approval in my mailbox. SO...a few more paperwork requirements took me until September to get and I sent it all away for one last seal of approval from the Secretary of the State of Iowa. Approved, September 23.

Then...I freaked out! Had a few days where all I did was doubt and cry. I was a mess, yet no one can understand my dilemma. People have a hard time understanding why and how I will even do this, and you know what so do I. I really prayed hard and wrestled with my choice, I still am. I have a pit in my stomach all the time thinking about it...but I still believe this is what God has called me to do. Is it ideal? No. Can I afford it financially? No. Am I completely confident in my ability to raise a 6 year old little boy who will have potential for lots of different issues? No. Do I feel like this is going to be an easy journey? No. I am super nervous and scared, but that doesn't make it wrong. I read an article a few weeks ago that just will not leave my head...doing God's will is not about making the right or wrong choice, it's about playing a part in God's perfect plan for redemption. How does this work? I don't know, but I believe I will find out through this process.

I also found myself feeling a bit like Mary this morning in church, although not near as cool as she is :-) She was scared, she was doubtful, she was questioning her ability to be a mother, and a mother to God's own son none the less. But, her song found in the 1st chapter of Luke is full of praise to the Lord, my goal is to be able to do the same through my doubt and fear. Luke 1:45 says "Blessed is she who believes that what they Lord has said will be." I want to be THAT SHE.

I am scared and uncertain about my future, but I know that God can and will continue to either open or close the doors that need to be opened or closed. Please, if you are reading this, please pray for me and Antonio as our lives are both about to change very drastically. Only God knows the future, and I hope to continue to be a blessing in it.

Last week, I was talking with a co worker who said "A good parent always questions their ability to raise their child." I am mom of the year lately if this is the case :-)

Thanks for reading, and as always, I love to hear from you guys, even though I lead a "boring, North American" life now!