Potentially exciting news?!?!?!?!?!?!

Hey y'all! Hello from northern Minnesota, we are enjoying a family vacation in the Northwoods of Minnesota and I must say not knowing what day it is and having the only decision I truly make is which book to read next has been fantastic!

Just wanted to send a quick (or not so quick) update on the blog about the adoption. If you follow my updates, you know that in order to get my 2 boys I have to get a 3rd boy because they are telling me I have to be married. I found this out right after I returned to Nicaragua and I was frustrated and feeling down. Most people my age are married and having kids of their own, so I began to question why I'm not. Please don't answer that question :-)

Anyways, I had begun to accept that, but then realized I couldn't. I got information for yet ANOTHER lawyer (bonus: she speaks English) and wrote her an e-mail to ask her about the newest rules in Nicaragua. She confirmed that you had to be married in order to adopt from Nicaragua so I asked her to keep me posted if/when that rule ever changes. She told me that she would do that and I thought it was over. Well, I just could not let it go. I waited a few weeks, and wrote to her 2 weeks ago just to confirm what she had told me and asked if they ever make exceptions to the rule. She wrote back and said that they sometime do. I was THRILLED but very skeptically optimistic. She asked me to write her the story of how I met the boys and asked her to consider making an excpetion due to their age. She wanted to be VERY clear that this was not a yes, but she agreed to "present my case" at her next meeting with Mi Familia (like DHS in the states.)

So, where does this leave things?? Well, it's clear as mud as to when this is all going to take place, but this serves as a plead with you all to pray! A few friends and I are entering a 40 day fast on August 8 and I am hoping that this will bring me closer to the God who holds this all in His hands and gives me the favor and direction I need to move forward.

Here are a few ways you can pray specifically:

1. God's will to ultimately prevail and for me to be able to accept that in ALL things.

2. Obviously, that the boys can come home and be with me. I am fully confident that if that happens, all other things that we need will be provided for us.

3. Patience, provision, and a stenghtining of my faith to pull me through this all.

I am TRULY humbled and grateful for all the prayers and well wishes that I get from people that I don't expect to get them from. Seriously, you guys are the best. I can't even begin to tell you how I see God's hand in all of this through all of you.

I will keep you all posted, but in the mean time....your prayers are coveted and appreciated! I thank you for riding this roller coaster with me for these past 5 years!!!

I leave with a verse that has been showing itself in the past few weeks especially that I have grown to love!

"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3

Processing...

Well, I have been home for almost 2 weeks and when people ask me about my trip, I still get tears and am not sure how to answer them. How can I put in to words what I felt like to be back in Nicaragua, and even more see my little loves again? So, all I can do is try...

My trip ended up being delayed by one day because of bad weather in Houston. So, while I was bummed I am glad that I didn't find out when I showed up at the airport at 4 am! I flew in on a Saturday and was instantly sweating...it is SO hot there in May! I stayed with Emily and Laura and it just didn't feel like it had been 2 years. I can never describe to people the bond that you have when you live with someone in a foreign country and I still can't. It was just great, love those girls!

On Sunday we went to church and to the beach. The awe of that never gets old to me...laying in a hammock, reading a book and listening to the crash of the waves is simply amazing.

On Monday I was able to spend some time at NCA and saw my kiddos who are now in 6th grade. It's crazy to me to think that they were only in 1st grade when I met them. They are all so big and smart and just doing so well. I saw a lot of familiar faces and got lots of sweaty but sweet hugs. It felt good.

On Tuesday I met my friend Tim who runs a scholarship program based on a grant that he got through a world known organization ( and I can't remember the name of it!). I am blessed to be able to sponser Jose Angel. He is in elementary school in a private school in his neighborhood near Managua. Tim has asked if I wanted to meet him and I must admit I was a bit nervous to go, mainly because of the language barrier. But he took me to his house, and he wasn't there. His father's girlfriend told Tim that he has been wanting to be in the streets and has not been attending school. I should back up the bus a bit. About 2 months ago, I got a message from Tim that Jose Angel was sick and they initially thought he had gotten a virus from a bug bite but since it was not getting better they checked him for leukemia. Well, long story short they have ruled that out as well but he is not anemic. Anyways, he has not been in school since then and has wanted to be on the streets. We told her we would be back to check if he was back. I went to the schools to see them, visited a few more scholarship kids and went back to Jose Angel's house. He was there and so I was able to meet with him. We were not able to communicate but his father said that he is not making good choices and we just shared that we want what is best for him and that Tim and I will support him in whatever way we can. After seeing the house, my heart broke. We went straight to the grocery store and bought a heaping cart full of food for him and his family. It baffles me how every time I am there, I am struck by the sad reality of the reality of the lack of resources these people suffer with daily. It was absolutely nothing for me to go buy them a cart full of food, but their gratitude and joy will never be forgotten by me. We had a few more adventures that day, but I went home with a full heart. It was refreshing to see someone SO passionate about the work they are doing. I was amazed at what I saw and so grateful to play a small role in it.

Wednesday was the big day. I got on a little tiny plane with Tim and flew to Puerto Cabezas to see my boys. I was SO nervous on that little plane (sorry again Tim for the death grip I had on you) and when it landed, I cried. I was so relieved, but I believe more than that the reality that I got to hugs my littles became a reality. It was really happening! My friend Camille met us at the airport and we went to the orphanage. I was shaking and didn't stop talking. I didn't really know what to expect. I saw Leo first, and he was very shy and hid behind Camille. He looking at me like he knew me, but he wasn't quite sure what to do. Then I saw Frankie from a distance and had to control my urge to just go grab him. He was in his room and wouldn't come out, but once he did, the reunion was so sweet. He hugged and talked for a bit and I just couldn't get enough of them. They got comfortable real fast and so did I. They showed me around and we talked and they played on my phone and mostly looked at my pictures. We hung out for a bit and then they had to do tutoring and rest time, so we went to the beach. It was fun but I was anxious to get back. We went back and I brought them some cars and other little toys and just talked and hung out. I asked Frankie if he liked it there. He looked right at me and said "No, I want to go with you. Please, take me to your house." Well, in true Angie fashion I started bawling and told him that I would try. They ate dinner and then we had to leave. The next morning I was up at 4:30 because I was so excited to see them again. I just had a few minutes with them before they went to school. I hugged them, told them I loved them, dripping tears and snot on them and left. They both asked if I could come back, and of course I promised that I would. And then I was left to process it. I'm still there, still not sure how to process it all. Bottom line, I am so grateful to have had the chance. I'm beyond aware of how God timed it and orchestrated the whole trip. I'm forever grateful for Tim who made the trip with me. And to Camille, who planned and organized this all as well as traveled several hours by boat to make this possible. My heart was full. Tim, I don't know if you will read this (probably not) but I can never repay you for your role in this. You saw me and my best and you saw me at my worst. That is no easy task! So, THANK YOU!!!

When we got back to Managua, I was just sad. I had to say good bye to my boys and my heart was broken. I also knew the good byes with every one else had to start and it's hard. Love to go see people but my heart rips out of my chest when I have to leave again.

So, what's the next step? I don't know, I still will try whatever I can to bring Frankie and Leo home with me if it's possible. I have connections to a lawyer but need a husband before I can adopt. They recently changed the law that single people can not adopt. But I refuse to give up, and I know that if this is going to happen it will and God will provide ALL things needed (including a husband if that is the case).

So, how was my trip? Loaded question, and I still don't know how to answer. My heart aches to return and if they told me I had to move there to get the boys I would invite you all to my going away party :-) Please pray for me, for the boys, for clarity, and for all things to be what they will be. I pray that this is just another step in the journey with my loves. Only time will tell...

Thank you ALL for still reading, it means so much that people still care and still ask. Makes me feel loved <3

(Untitled)

Like the title of my entry for today, I feel untitled.  I feel like there are just no words to help myself understand the events of this last week.  Writing has become a tool for me to express how I feel, weirdly at times like this when it feels like there are just no words. 

Saturday night, I got a message from a friend of mine that told me that she had just found out that Frankie and Leo had been moved back to Wauspum, were they were originally from.  My heart sank, my sadness overflowed out my eyes and I cried for my boys...I mean really cried.  I had known that they were in an orphanage in Managua, and I would periodically get updates from someone there who had gone to see them.  The response when I asked how they are doing has always been "ok".  So, I know that if someone is telling me ok, that it's probably not good.  My heart breaks, I cry some more and I lay awake at night worrying about them, praying that above all else they would feel their heavenly Father wrap his arms around them and for them to never fear and never feel alone. 

Monday I got a message from a friend of mine, whom I met while I was living in Nicaragua who had just been to the orphanage they are in now.  I of course wrote to her and asked how they were doing.  She was honest, which broke my heart again.  They are struggling, they are confused, they are having a hard time adjusting.  She didn't even know how to put it in to words.  And my heart broke again.  They remember me, they ask for me, they want me to come to them.  And here I sit, one of the few times in my life where I know there is nothing I can do from here.  And my heart broke again.  And yet I keep hearing that still small voice telling me not to ask "Why?" but to turn the attention back to the "WHO."  This is a time when I must fully trust that God's got this, that he holds it all in the palm of his hand.  That even when I have no words, no solutions, nothing I can do to make any of this better...HE DOES!  It's hard, and it sucks.  I don't feel like I can talk about it, because honestly people don't understand how I feel or that this journey is on my mind all the time and that I struggle and want those boys with me.  The point of it all is to bring glory back to that Father, but right now, I'm not so sure how and that I even can do that. 

And today, as I watched my friend carry the casket holding his twin boys, who were stillborn this week I am reminded again that we will never know WHY but we must learn to focus on WHO.  Most days, that struggle is too real and I can't do it.  But I must trust that all things work together for our good and God will not hurt the hearts of those who love him. 

So, while the load feels especially heavy and my words have only been able to expressed by tears, I keep trying to find the WHO and trust that all things will work together for my good, for Frankie's good, and for Leo's good.  While I continue to hope that it could be make complete and we could be together, I have no choice but to focus on the God who hold us each in His loving hand and hears my teardrops as prayers. 

At the funeral today, they played the song I have posted above entitled "It Is Well".  Take a moment to listen to it.  I am not at a point that I can say that all is well with my soul, but I know the fight to get there will be worth it in the end. 

"Through it all, through it all my eyes are on you
Through it all, through it all it is well
Through it all, through it all my eyes are on you
And it is well with me." 
And it is well with me"