Struggling...

Good morning dear friends~

Yep, I'm writing again...don't get too excited, nothing much going on, just taking advantage of my free therapy by putting my thoughts in to words!

As you can see by the title of this post...I'm struggling. If the time shows up on these, that could be a great second clue. You all know how I HATE getting up early, and how much I love my sleep. It's 6:03 AM on a Saturday morning, YUCK!!
I am struggling...A LOT this last week. I share this because I am asking for your prayers. I think sometimes we don't feel like it's ok to admit that we are struggling, but the reason I write this is simply because I do think it's ok. It can be a hard to ask for help, but I believe that is why we have people in our lives, for the good and bad times.

Nothing is going like it's supposed to. There, I said it without guilt this time. Honestly, I have struggled with life for the past 2 years. I remember those first few days and weeks home from Nicaragua with tears running down my eyes. To say it was a difficult adjustment would be an understatement, I felt like a foreigner in my own home. And, I still do. I keep thinking it will get better, but it doesn't seem to. I feel like I've been so out of place since I moved back, still trying to figure out where I am supposed to be. I have had 4 new jobs since I moved back. Nothing is working out on the job front, and it's getting exhausting. I have no home, no place to call my own...and haven't for 2 years. It's frustrating. This is not where I expected, or want to be in life. So, what can I do about it? I am trying to bask in the knowledge that this is temporary, God is faithful, and he works all things together for GOOD. But, that's just REALLY hard. I don't know what the next step is, and I think I keep trying to find it in all the wrong places. I'm asking you to pray for a true sense of direction for me. I have no idea what the next few months look like, and while I like a good adventure, I would like some "settle" in my life.

Now, I can't say that nothing good has happened in the past 2 years, because that is simply not true either. I am SO, SO blessed in so many ways, and I am grateful for that. I am not complaining, I am being honest. I do love being back home and around friends and family, you truly don't realize how much you miss that until you don't have it. That was my biggest struggle when I did live in Nicaragua, and mostly it was missing the day to day stuff of being around my nieces and nephews. You all know I'm crazy, obsessive aunt who is too much in love with those 5 little people.

I have hope that someday I will look back on ALL of this and say "I wouldn't have had it any other way"...

A Heavy Heart...

Hello friends~

Just a quick update and a huge request for prayers...

The family who are in the process of adopting Antonio have lost their 19 year old daughter in a tragic accident yesterday. I really do not know any details, and they don't really matter.

Taellor was a beautiful girl who had a heart to love the way that Jesus did. She has been very involved in the family's decision to adopt Antonio, which has been an extreme source of comfort to me. While I never met her, I love her because she saw the same potential in Antonio that I did. She knew that he needed to be a part of their family, and God used her to give him the family that my heart so desired.

My heart breaks for the little man that I love who lost his sister, in a world were he most likely struggles to understand much of what is going on. His tiny heart must be breaking...with no words to help him understand why.

Please join me in praying for this family, for Antonio, and the missionary community of Nicaragua that was my own family as they mourn the loss of there daughter, sister, and friend...

Alone with my thoughts...

Once again, here I am...alone with my thoughts. Again, I write this for me, but love to have you along for the journey if you so desire!

I landed back in the States 48 hours ago, so again...everything feels so different! It's been almost 2 year since I moved back from Nicaragua, but when I was there it felt like I had never left. Everything looks the same...yet it is all so different.

I have to admit, I was just sad being there. I find myself thinking of moving back there (at least 10 times) daily. I have to wonder...would it be the same? Would I enjoy it as much as I think I would? Someone asked me "Why did you move back the States in the first place?" I was quick to respond...I guess I thought it was time for me to "grow up", I had hopes of getting a great job, maybe settling down and getting married and starting a family of my own and living the American dream. It sounded so appealing, yet none of it has happened. So...what do you do when live just doesn't work out the way you thought it would? Well, I feel like the writing on the wall this time is just in a different language, and I'm trying to translate. What does all of this mean? I wish I knew...I guess I will just have to keep ya'll posted.

My visit to Nicaragua was truly bittersweet. I went to all the places that were so near and dear to my heart and loved every minute of it. It was so great to see old faces, go to all my old places and get lots of familiar hugs from kiddos whom I loved. Of course my favorite drive was the drive up the hill to see my Frankie. What a monkey! He is growing like crazy, and cute as ever! He's pure boy and loves life. My drive up the hill was followed by my typical drive back down the hill...tears and a broken heart! It's SO HARD to leave him, my deepest desire is to be with him. The first time those brown eyes looked up at me, lifted his arms to me and said "mama"...I was just simply in love and life hasn't been the same since...who knew you could love a little person that much...OK, all you moms know that you can :-)

Quick update on Antonio: He's doing great with is family, and is in preschool...something that I was told would never happen. PRAISE GOD for his faithfulness to his little man. Thriving and doing well!

Adoption info...some people are curious. My paperwork expired on May 20, and it was a day full of mixed emotions. Is it never going to happen? Actually, I believe it will but now is not the time, and I do have true peace about it all. I would LOVE to get Frankie, but it will take much change of heart and a true miracle. Join me in praying for one :-) In my mind, he will always be my little boy!

To those who actually read this...thanks! You are still an encouragement to me and I love it!

Happy New Year

Hello faithful blog readers~

Ok, so maybe 10 people read this, but as always I feel so much better when I "write" things down so someday I can re-read my own words and remember this journey that God is bringing me on.

Just a few quick prayers requests:

Antonio goes to meet his family tomorrow and they will take him for a home visit. I am TRULY ecstatic for him, yet sad for me. I just envisioned things to be so different. Pray that his adjustment is as smooth as possible, and BIG blessings on him and his family. Bitter sweetness again...

Pray for my future son...ok, or daughter (but I really want a boy) :-) My plan is to continue with the adoption process, and I'm kind of hoping that I can maybe get a baby...I guess that is most likely wishful thinking but I guess I can dream. I believe things didn't work with Antonio because there is just a better plan. God's YES is bigger than any NO any of us can mutter.

Pray for me as I make these and other big decisions...God is nudging me, just praying we can go in the same direction.

Thanks for all your love, encouragement, and support. You on the other screen are awesome and a blessing to me! I wish you all the best in this New Year...