(Untitled)

Like the title of my entry for today, I feel untitled.  I feel like there are just no words to help myself understand the events of this last week.  Writing has become a tool for me to express how I feel, weirdly at times like this when it feels like there are just no words. 

Saturday night, I got a message from a friend of mine that told me that she had just found out that Frankie and Leo had been moved back to Wauspum, were they were originally from.  My heart sank, my sadness overflowed out my eyes and I cried for my boys...I mean really cried.  I had known that they were in an orphanage in Managua, and I would periodically get updates from someone there who had gone to see them.  The response when I asked how they are doing has always been "ok".  So, I know that if someone is telling me ok, that it's probably not good.  My heart breaks, I cry some more and I lay awake at night worrying about them, praying that above all else they would feel their heavenly Father wrap his arms around them and for them to never fear and never feel alone. 

Monday I got a message from a friend of mine, whom I met while I was living in Nicaragua who had just been to the orphanage they are in now.  I of course wrote to her and asked how they were doing.  She was honest, which broke my heart again.  They are struggling, they are confused, they are having a hard time adjusting.  She didn't even know how to put it in to words.  And my heart broke again.  They remember me, they ask for me, they want me to come to them.  And here I sit, one of the few times in my life where I know there is nothing I can do from here.  And my heart broke again.  And yet I keep hearing that still small voice telling me not to ask "Why?" but to turn the attention back to the "WHO."  This is a time when I must fully trust that God's got this, that he holds it all in the palm of his hand.  That even when I have no words, no solutions, nothing I can do to make any of this better...HE DOES!  It's hard, and it sucks.  I don't feel like I can talk about it, because honestly people don't understand how I feel or that this journey is on my mind all the time and that I struggle and want those boys with me.  The point of it all is to bring glory back to that Father, but right now, I'm not so sure how and that I even can do that. 

And today, as I watched my friend carry the casket holding his twin boys, who were stillborn this week I am reminded again that we will never know WHY but we must learn to focus on WHO.  Most days, that struggle is too real and I can't do it.  But I must trust that all things work together for our good and God will not hurt the hearts of those who love him. 

So, while the load feels especially heavy and my words have only been able to expressed by tears, I keep trying to find the WHO and trust that all things will work together for my good, for Frankie's good, and for Leo's good.  While I continue to hope that it could be make complete and we could be together, I have no choice but to focus on the God who hold us each in His loving hand and hears my teardrops as prayers. 

At the funeral today, they played the song I have posted above entitled "It Is Well".  Take a moment to listen to it.  I am not at a point that I can say that all is well with my soul, but I know the fight to get there will be worth it in the end. 

"Through it all, through it all my eyes are on you
Through it all, through it all it is well
Through it all, through it all my eyes are on you
And it is well with me." 
And it is well with me"