(Untitled)

Like the title of my entry for today, I feel untitled.  I feel like there are just no words to help myself understand the events of this last week.  Writing has become a tool for me to express how I feel, weirdly at times like this when it feels like there are just no words. 

Saturday night, I got a message from a friend of mine that told me that she had just found out that Frankie and Leo had been moved back to Wauspum, were they were originally from.  My heart sank, my sadness overflowed out my eyes and I cried for my boys...I mean really cried.  I had known that they were in an orphanage in Managua, and I would periodically get updates from someone there who had gone to see them.  The response when I asked how they are doing has always been "ok".  So, I know that if someone is telling me ok, that it's probably not good.  My heart breaks, I cry some more and I lay awake at night worrying about them, praying that above all else they would feel their heavenly Father wrap his arms around them and for them to never fear and never feel alone. 

Monday I got a message from a friend of mine, whom I met while I was living in Nicaragua who had just been to the orphanage they are in now.  I of course wrote to her and asked how they were doing.  She was honest, which broke my heart again.  They are struggling, they are confused, they are having a hard time adjusting.  She didn't even know how to put it in to words.  And my heart broke again.  They remember me, they ask for me, they want me to come to them.  And here I sit, one of the few times in my life where I know there is nothing I can do from here.  And my heart broke again.  And yet I keep hearing that still small voice telling me not to ask "Why?" but to turn the attention back to the "WHO."  This is a time when I must fully trust that God's got this, that he holds it all in the palm of his hand.  That even when I have no words, no solutions, nothing I can do to make any of this better...HE DOES!  It's hard, and it sucks.  I don't feel like I can talk about it, because honestly people don't understand how I feel or that this journey is on my mind all the time and that I struggle and want those boys with me.  The point of it all is to bring glory back to that Father, but right now, I'm not so sure how and that I even can do that. 

And today, as I watched my friend carry the casket holding his twin boys, who were stillborn this week I am reminded again that we will never know WHY but we must learn to focus on WHO.  Most days, that struggle is too real and I can't do it.  But I must trust that all things work together for our good and God will not hurt the hearts of those who love him. 

So, while the load feels especially heavy and my words have only been able to expressed by tears, I keep trying to find the WHO and trust that all things will work together for my good, for Frankie's good, and for Leo's good.  While I continue to hope that it could be make complete and we could be together, I have no choice but to focus on the God who hold us each in His loving hand and hears my teardrops as prayers. 

At the funeral today, they played the song I have posted above entitled "It Is Well".  Take a moment to listen to it.  I am not at a point that I can say that all is well with my soul, but I know the fight to get there will be worth it in the end. 

"Through it all, through it all my eyes are on you
Through it all, through it all it is well
Through it all, through it all my eyes are on you
And it is well with me." 
And it is well with me"

Another update...

I know, I know it's been a long time since I've written and there is a reason...just not a good one :-)

I wanted to give you a quick (ok, we know I don't do these quick) update an further adoption stuff so the best place to start is at the beginning.

Anyone who knows me, knows that my heart is to bring Frankie home with me. I have loved that little man since the first time I picked him up when he was 2 years old. Those dark brown eyes had me at hello.

In April, I got a message from a friend in Nicaragua who asked if I was still wanting to adopt Frankie, my response was a quick and loud yes! She passed along information for a lawyer who may be able to help me and I sent an e-mail. She responded and told me what needed to be done and even though I had done it before it all felt new to me. She had me send information on the boys because I felt like I would try get Leo as well. Their bond is that of brothers and I knew if it was in my power, they would not be split up. Anyways, I did the initial things that she asked me to do, and waited to hear back from her.

In July, she told me that since I knew the child I was wanting to adopt, I had to write a letter directly to the director of Mi Familia to request that they allow me to work on the specific boys. I wrote my biography, spoke of the connection I had to them, and sent it in. She told me she would present it to the director and get back to me. Well, she got back to me last night. It was a short e-mail telling me that it would not be possible for me to get the boys because you can't adopt as a single person if you don't have Nicaraguan residency.

I read a quote recently that says " When you go through a trial, THE SOVEREIGNTY OF GOD is the pillow upon which you lay your head." The pillow is tear stained today, but I trust in God's ultimate plan for mine and the boys' life. I had so desperately hoped that our lives would be together. I don't know what the next step is for me, the desire to adopt that has been in my heart since I was 12 is still there, but after 2 failed attempts, I feel like I need to rest for awhile. It has been a whirlwind of emotions and a sad reality for me. The biggest struggle is that I know they are just a number where they are at, and my heart breaks daily for my little loves when I think about how they live day in and day out.

So, as always, here are the things you can pray for:
~Just peace, straight up peace about it all
~Bigger faith to trust that this is the right thing, even though it feels just awful
~Protection for the boys, I'm so glad they don't know what is going on and most importantly that they would grow to know and love the God who loves them more that they can imagine
~Clear answers to all the questions that are swirling around in my head right now
~A shot gun wedding with a groom who loves the Lord and wants to jump in to an adoption process for 2 of the cutest 7 years olds around :-)

Thanks again for reading, I do so much feel your love and prayers. If you happen to see me and ask about it, expect some tears. Much love to you all!

Just sharing...

Last Sunday, March 1st I was asked to speak in church on a specific passage where God tells Abram to leave his country and his home. If you know me at all, you know I said no twice before I agreed to do it. I have actually had a few requests to be able to read my story again so I just wanted to share it here. I am so thankful for all of you who still check in on me and my Nica story, as I believe it is not over...perhaps more my 2 previous years there were just a beginning :-)

Here it is:

Genesis 12:1-2
“The Lord had said to Abram, ‘Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go the land I will show you. I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.”

Wow, what a calling! What a difficult thing to hear from God, what a way to get Abram to perk his ears and say…excuse me, what did you say?
Leave your country, your people and your father’s household. This is a call I have heard a time or 2 in my life, but I want to share with you about the one time that I actually did it. In 2008, Amy signed up for a SERVE trip to go to Nicaragua, a country I had never heard of. I was finishing up my Masters so I knew that I would not have the time or money to go, but I thought it was really cool of her to want to go. My thought was that I would pack a suitcase of baby stuff, because everyone knows they need that in foreign countries, hug her at the airport and be jealous of her tan when she returned home. Well, as the time approached Amy got a teaching job and would not be able to go. Someone asked if I wanted to go in her place. Why not? Of course, my first thought was no but then I remembered the trip was in January and it would be cold here. So, I thought more about it and decided against all my better judgment that I would go. My main motivation was the sunshine. So, I packed my own suitcase of baby stuff, hugged Amy at the airport and was off. When we arrived in Nicaragua with the team, I wasn’t sure I should get off the plane. I DID NOT want to be there and I thought I should just go right back to Houston. My mom talked me out of that, and I reluctantly got off the plane. My first impression was that it was smelly, sweaty, and dirty. I was not in love with it. Even worse, when we found out where we would be staying and there was cold water and no air conditioning, I knew this was not the place for me. You see, Nicaragua and I had a love/hate relationship…and I hated it! I was searching the internet for flights home, and even remember a sweet late night conversation with my mom saying “If you still hate it by Monday, we’ll call dad and he will get you a ticket.” I remember banking on that promise from my mom. I don’t remember specifically the chain of events over those next few days when my relationship with Nicaragua took a turn for the better, but it was turning into a love and I was excited about it. We went to a mountainous region in Nicaragua, and I still remember the sounds, the sights, and the smells of that place. I remember the faces of those people who were filled with gratitude over the little things that we accomplished in those few days. It wasn’t about the cement we poured or the well that we painted, it was that we spent our time in a part of the world that can feel so forgotten. We worked in the village with the people and I remember thinking that through all the things we did for them, I was the one who was getting the benefit. As we drove home on the bus from that trip, I’ll never forget looking up in the clear sky that night through tear filled eyes thinking…you would not do this to me, would you God??
As our trip wound down, I remember thinking “I’ll be back Nicaragua.” As our plane landed in Houston, I remember that sense of feeling that I just didn’t want to be here…let me stay on this plane and fly back to Managua. What a difference 10 days makes!

Over the next 2 years as I finished up school and got my first real job, I struggled daily with feeling like things just weren’t right, something always felt off. Nothing seemed to work out the way I wanted it to, and I knew there had to be more to this life then what I was doing. To say I was in denial of what God was telling me would be an understatement. Looking back, I knew what he was telling me but I refused to listen.

In November of 2009, I had gone back to visit Nicaragua on my own and was staying with some dear friends. As we were sitting out on the porch watching the sun go down, so said “so when are you going to move here?” I laughed and was speechless, I never answered that question. To think of moving there was so overwhelming, specifically leaving my family for any more than a week was not going to happen in my mind. I entertained her idea by talking with her some more, while she told me I should talk to Liam, who was the director of NCA at that time. She told me of an opportunity that was at the school, and how they arrange volunteers to go down for one semester, about 4 months at a time. Again, I nodded like that would ever happen, but that felt too long. She encouraged me to talk to him, I agreed to do that because I was going to the school the next day. That night, I prayed that God would show me His way, and if I was to talk with Liam, the opportunity would present itself. I was nervous going to the school, knowing the pressure I had put on myself. As my luck had it, Liam was out at a conference that entire day. I wasn’t sure how to feel at that point, but in my mind it seemed clear that I was not to talk with him. I promised that if I happen to run in to him in Managua, a town of over one million people, I would do it  It was my way of shutting down the fear of what Liam would tell me, but I felt it was justified.
Well, as He always does…God one uped me. As I was preparing to board my flight to come back to the States that November day, in to the airport walks Liam and of course, he was not only on my flight, our seats were near each other. I couldn’t pretend that I didn’t see him. It was a divine appointment like no other. I asked questions as though asking them for someone else’s information, and I was just sure I was fooling myself and him at that point. I told him I would pass along information to anyone who I thought needed it and went on my way. I knew at that point that that anyone was me.
Adjusting to the States after this trip was difficult. Life didn’t feel like life, it felt like a routine that I just didn’t want to be a part of anymore. After much prayer and wanted and unwanted advice from people, I decided to apply. Discontentment led me to my biggest blessing.
In February, we began the interview process. I had one last phone interview and Liam told me that he had to wait until the board meeting to review everything so it would be a week. 20 minutes later I had an e-mail asking me to please join them in Nicaragua for the 2010 school year. I was ecstatic, scared, yet have never to this day felt the peace that I felt on that day. I knew this was the right thing.
I moved down to Nicaragua in August of 2010. I worked at the school doing things that I never thought I would do…and love almost every minute of it. From the second the plane landed, I felt like I was home. My mom recalls one of the times I had gone to visit, I called very quickly just to let them know that I had made it. She tells me that she hung up the phone, looked at my dad and said “we’ve lost her.” It was home, I still consider it home in so many ways.

God gave me a gift, and it took me 2 years to truly find it. People often ask how or why I did it. To be honest, it was because God told me to. I experienced so many things in Nicaragua, not all of them positive, but experiences none the less. I loved on children who will never know the love of another adult. I taught 2 boys how to speak English in a school where it was necessary. I held the hand of a young woman who was dying of cancer, just weeks after she accepted her Savior. I witnessed speaking in tongues for the first time in my life. I fed the elderly and hungry. I received words of prophecy that were spot on. I witnessed growth and change, and most importantly it was my own heart that grew and was changed. I witnessed so many miracles and healing than I thought I could have ever expected to witness in a life time. My view of the world is just different, I can’t explain why but it just is. My eyes don’t see things the way that they used to.
Was it brave? No, it was obedient. God gave me these desires, and he brought them to be. I will forever cherish my time there, and can see my life leading me back to Nicaragua one day. As in all things, when God wants something done, He does it. It may take months, or in my case years, to get there, but He will bring it forth when the time is right.

Leave your country, your people and your father’s household. You never know how blessed you can be for doing it.

Struggling...

Good morning dear friends~

Yep, I'm writing again...don't get too excited, nothing much going on, just taking advantage of my free therapy by putting my thoughts in to words!

As you can see by the title of this post...I'm struggling. If the time shows up on these, that could be a great second clue. You all know how I HATE getting up early, and how much I love my sleep. It's 6:03 AM on a Saturday morning, YUCK!!
I am struggling...A LOT this last week. I share this because I am asking for your prayers. I think sometimes we don't feel like it's ok to admit that we are struggling, but the reason I write this is simply because I do think it's ok. It can be a hard to ask for help, but I believe that is why we have people in our lives, for the good and bad times.

Nothing is going like it's supposed to. There, I said it without guilt this time. Honestly, I have struggled with life for the past 2 years. I remember those first few days and weeks home from Nicaragua with tears running down my eyes. To say it was a difficult adjustment would be an understatement, I felt like a foreigner in my own home. And, I still do. I keep thinking it will get better, but it doesn't seem to. I feel like I've been so out of place since I moved back, still trying to figure out where I am supposed to be. I have had 4 new jobs since I moved back. Nothing is working out on the job front, and it's getting exhausting. I have no home, no place to call my own...and haven't for 2 years. It's frustrating. This is not where I expected, or want to be in life. So, what can I do about it? I am trying to bask in the knowledge that this is temporary, God is faithful, and he works all things together for GOOD. But, that's just REALLY hard. I don't know what the next step is, and I think I keep trying to find it in all the wrong places. I'm asking you to pray for a true sense of direction for me. I have no idea what the next few months look like, and while I like a good adventure, I would like some "settle" in my life.

Now, I can't say that nothing good has happened in the past 2 years, because that is simply not true either. I am SO, SO blessed in so many ways, and I am grateful for that. I am not complaining, I am being honest. I do love being back home and around friends and family, you truly don't realize how much you miss that until you don't have it. That was my biggest struggle when I did live in Nicaragua, and mostly it was missing the day to day stuff of being around my nieces and nephews. You all know I'm crazy, obsessive aunt who is too much in love with those 5 little people.

I have hope that someday I will look back on ALL of this and say "I wouldn't have had it any other way"...

A Heavy Heart...

Hello friends~

Just a quick update and a huge request for prayers...

The family who are in the process of adopting Antonio have lost their 19 year old daughter in a tragic accident yesterday. I really do not know any details, and they don't really matter.

Taellor was a beautiful girl who had a heart to love the way that Jesus did. She has been very involved in the family's decision to adopt Antonio, which has been an extreme source of comfort to me. While I never met her, I love her because she saw the same potential in Antonio that I did. She knew that he needed to be a part of their family, and God used her to give him the family that my heart so desired.

My heart breaks for the little man that I love who lost his sister, in a world were he most likely struggles to understand much of what is going on. His tiny heart must be breaking...with no words to help him understand why.

Please join me in praying for this family, for Antonio, and the missionary community of Nicaragua that was my own family as they mourn the loss of there daughter, sister, and friend...

Alone with my thoughts...

Once again, here I am...alone with my thoughts. Again, I write this for me, but love to have you along for the journey if you so desire!

I landed back in the States 48 hours ago, so again...everything feels so different! It's been almost 2 year since I moved back from Nicaragua, but when I was there it felt like I had never left. Everything looks the same...yet it is all so different.

I have to admit, I was just sad being there. I find myself thinking of moving back there (at least 10 times) daily. I have to wonder...would it be the same? Would I enjoy it as much as I think I would? Someone asked me "Why did you move back the States in the first place?" I was quick to respond...I guess I thought it was time for me to "grow up", I had hopes of getting a great job, maybe settling down and getting married and starting a family of my own and living the American dream. It sounded so appealing, yet none of it has happened. So...what do you do when live just doesn't work out the way you thought it would? Well, I feel like the writing on the wall this time is just in a different language, and I'm trying to translate. What does all of this mean? I wish I knew...I guess I will just have to keep ya'll posted.

My visit to Nicaragua was truly bittersweet. I went to all the places that were so near and dear to my heart and loved every minute of it. It was so great to see old faces, go to all my old places and get lots of familiar hugs from kiddos whom I loved. Of course my favorite drive was the drive up the hill to see my Frankie. What a monkey! He is growing like crazy, and cute as ever! He's pure boy and loves life. My drive up the hill was followed by my typical drive back down the hill...tears and a broken heart! It's SO HARD to leave him, my deepest desire is to be with him. The first time those brown eyes looked up at me, lifted his arms to me and said "mama"...I was just simply in love and life hasn't been the same since...who knew you could love a little person that much...OK, all you moms know that you can :-)

Quick update on Antonio: He's doing great with is family, and is in preschool...something that I was told would never happen. PRAISE GOD for his faithfulness to his little man. Thriving and doing well!

Adoption info...some people are curious. My paperwork expired on May 20, and it was a day full of mixed emotions. Is it never going to happen? Actually, I believe it will but now is not the time, and I do have true peace about it all. I would LOVE to get Frankie, but it will take much change of heart and a true miracle. Join me in praying for one :-) In my mind, he will always be my little boy!

To those who actually read this...thanks! You are still an encouragement to me and I love it!

Happy New Year

Hello faithful blog readers~

Ok, so maybe 10 people read this, but as always I feel so much better when I "write" things down so someday I can re-read my own words and remember this journey that God is bringing me on.

Just a few quick prayers requests:

Antonio goes to meet his family tomorrow and they will take him for a home visit. I am TRULY ecstatic for him, yet sad for me. I just envisioned things to be so different. Pray that his adjustment is as smooth as possible, and BIG blessings on him and his family. Bitter sweetness again...

Pray for my future son...ok, or daughter (but I really want a boy) :-) My plan is to continue with the adoption process, and I'm kind of hoping that I can maybe get a baby...I guess that is most likely wishful thinking but I guess I can dream. I believe things didn't work with Antonio because there is just a better plan. God's YES is bigger than any NO any of us can mutter.

Pray for me as I make these and other big decisions...God is nudging me, just praying we can go in the same direction.

Thanks for all your love, encouragement, and support. You on the other screen are awesome and a blessing to me! I wish you all the best in this New Year...